Wrong date

No I lied - the due date is not Aug 19th (must have mixed that up with today) The real due date is Aug. 11th!

Christmas Miracle

Well, you won't believe it. After disappointing test results and low hormones in the beginning something has sprung into action. Perhaps it was all those scary rides at Disneyland a few weeks ago?
I went to the Dr. for an ultrasound yesterday (expecting the worst news of course) and there before my very own eyes was a little baby bean with a super fast heartbeat pumping strong!!
We've NEVER had a heartbeat in any previous pregnancies so this is a huge success for us and if we can just get through the next 6 weeks then we will be out of that scary time and hopefully on our way to finally becoming parents!
The Doctor gave me a due date of August 19th - YAY!!!

Blood Test results

Well.....not the greatest. last time I was pregnant my first results were 45 today they were only 31 - which is still a positive result, but not optimal. So...I'm disappointed - the nurse who gave me the results was less then helpful as she just kept saying, well - it could mean miscarraige. I wanted to yell at her YES I KNOW IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME TO ME!!!
So - here we go again. I can't help but feel like I'm being punished for something - I get one or two miscarraiges, but more than that really shouldn't happen to anyone. It's like being handed a Christmas present and just as your about to open it having it yanked away. Life can sometimes really suck!
Becky

Waiting......

We wait, blood tests this morning - all come back fine except the one we wait for, they don't e-mail those results. I have to call in the morning - I know from all the pee pee tests that I'm pregnant - what I don't know is if the hormones are good this time.
I will go to bed and try to dream of high HCG and high Progesterone levels.
The waiting......it's almost unbearable.

Tests

That title could mean many things at this moment in my life, tests in my classes, the tests of work with 30 preschoolers and the tests and life in general. But, in this posts its pregnancy tests.
Do you know how many there are? Tons! There's even a website called peeonastick.com that compares them all....betcha didn't know that!
I used to pay 20.00 each for a pregnancy test and then I realised that the ones at the Dollar Store are just as good (in fact they are what the Doctors use) I'm sure the man at the Dollar Store in Gilroy wondered what the hell I was going to do with 20 pregnancy tests. That's why I went to him, girls are nosy and ask questions - boys are not. I knew he would ring me up without the third degree.
So now I have a bathroom drawer completely full of pregnancy tests and I take one every other day (hey - I'm limiting myself to every other day instead of every day), they've been coming up positive (but that's only the hormone's left over from the shots - but it makes me feel good to see that double line), but today they have started to come up negative. Dang!.......I have 6 more days until I'm officially supposed to "test". I'm so not good at waiting, for anything.

Today's IUI

We had Intra-Uterine-Insemination this morning. We've done this before (and gotten pregnant from it) but this time we had 4 eggs and heavy medicine's so maybe it will work!
We now have to wait for 2 weeks to find out the results. We have learned after so much loss to now just let it go since it is now out of our hands. We have done all that we can in preparation, we go on as usual.
Wait, who the hell am I kidding here? We don't go on as usual...I count the days until the test. Dec.2 to be exact - but knowing me I'll start testing 3/4 days before that. I am dong my best not to get as emotionally attached this time. Let's see how that actually works out.
Love,
Becky and Mike

Eggs X 7

Well, we have 7 eggs after 5 days of hormone injections. 4 are strong and husky and 3 not so much, so we have a good shot at a pregnancy this cycle. Hopefully 3-4 will fertilize, 1-2 will implant and 1 will burrow in and stay put for about 9 months.
We;re keeping our fingers crossed for this time!
Becky

Back on the Fertility Train

Well, we've started again. We had a lovely two month break and now we are going for the big guns....or big eggs! Today was the first day of our next process, injectible medications. A three day supply (and I will need a 14 day supply) was $942.00, I almost passed out in the pharmacy when magically the pharmacist said "oh, you're "double covered" {???} your cost is $5.42! Being double covered (which I finally figured means that my insurance AND Mike's insurance covers the cost but since there is only one person receiving treatment then both insurance's cover the whole cost instead of me paying for half), saved us 935.00 in meds today and 127.00 in ultrasound costs. So, thank goodness for insurance or today's appointments would have been over $1000.00.
Now, as I sit here avoiding my homework and writing in this blog instead I am dreading that needle that I need to inject into myself before bed tonight.
On Halloween I had a couple girlfriends here and one of them did Tarot Readings (or Hocus Pocus as Mike calls it), we thought it would be fun to do on a spooky, rainy Halloween night. My reading was all about letting go - and even though it was a funny Halloween thing to do, I can't help but think that there could be some truth to letting go of all the stress, worry and obsession that comes with fertility and just doing it and then letting it go. So.....here we go again.
Thanks for reading!
Becky and Mike

On the Road again!

Here we go again...we're taking it a little easier this month only using oral medication and nothing else. Man it has been a really emotional week, I seem to feel sad about everything and anything that isn't sad. I couldn't figure out why commercials on the radio were making me cry on the way to work - even asking myself in the middle of crying, "why on earth am I crying?" The medicine had never really bothered me before in the emotional way - it finally caught up to me this month!
So, as this cry baby embarks on a new cycle of hope, please think fertile thoughts!
Becky

Injection Class

Well I haven't posted in quite a while, because we were just waiting for my cycle to get back to normal after our miscarriage. It seems to be moving along nicely now, never thought I'd say "Oh Hurrah there's my period!" But in this situation, it's a good thing to see.
Today I had to go to the "Injection Class" which is two hours of practicing giving yourself shots on a lemon with lots of other women going through the same thing. We had to watch a 30 minute video, while our tiny Chinese nurse (Tina - How appropriate was her name for her stature) scurried around giving us lemons, needles and pretend medicine. Tina had to give her little speech right before we started and I hate to be stereo - typical but she was VERY hard to understand with her thick accent. After every couple of sentences she would say "Don't worry about any thing you'll have plenty of surprise!" I was confused because this was her answer to everything. Finally at the end of the class I raised my hand to ask about our "surprise" and when it was coming - she said..."no, not surprise like party, surprise like extra needles, medicine, syringes...you know extra surprise" Oh SUPPLIES!!!
The last part of the class was the consent form - the last question I had to check a box saying that if I got pregnant with multiples it was acceptable or unacceptable to reduce the embryos. What a horrible question to ask a woman who is doing everything she can to GET pregnant and then she has to casually decide at the end of a piece of paper if it's OK to end the life of some of those babies she has worked so hard to get? It was obvious that every other woman in the room was struggling with this question as well. Pens poised over the end of the paper everyone just staring, not knowing what to check.
I didn't know which box to check, if I check acceptable I could increase the chance of 1 or 2 babies going full term or potentially end the life of 3 or 4 perfectly fine babies. If I check unacceptable I could end up with triplets that all have brain damage because they weren't able to go full term because I didn't reduce one. ACK!
Well, at least the class is over and I can check that off my fertility list of things to do.
Mike and I are getting excited for our October vacation and because this past year has been so emotional (especially the last two months) we have decided to not do the injections for the next two months (although I will still be on oral medications to keep my cycle regular) and wait until we are back in November with lots of time for appointments to do the injection cycle.
I'll keep you all posted!
Becky

The Healer

Well, I had my meeting with the "healer". He came to the houae at 6:00pm and stayed until a little after 9:00! I really enjoyed talking to him and he had some really good suggestions. I kept waiting for the "hocus pocus" but there really wasn't any.
He had some great suggestions on nutrition and energy. I have been eating LOTS of soy products and he asked me what the Dr's had said my problem was in getting pregnant and one of the problems is excessive estrogen. (Fat holds estrogen therfore I obviously have lots extra)So he told me that soy is pretty much pure estrogen and I should stay far far away from it!
We talked about chemical impacts on the bodies energy and just so many things. He teaches a Qui Gong class on Sundays here in San Jose so I will liely go to that and he gave me a good visualization technique (this is where Mike says it "gets a little hooey") for my uterus. But it can't hurt!
So, I will implement some of his techniques and we'll what happens!
Becky

Am I crazy?

So here's an interesting situation. I just hired a teacher named Julia who has a very good friend who does massage and energy work. I just spoke with him on the phone for almost an hour and he seems like an amazing guy.
He works with people on their breathing, meditation, healing massage and life energy's. I've never had any work like this done, but I notice when I go to the fertility clinic there are flyers everywhere for meditation classes for fertility patients. They are obviously encouraging us to go, (I'm sure becuase fertility treatments are so emotionally draining and stressful) but they want almost 600.00 for the classes. Now, I'm sure this guy isn't free, but I'm hoping he's not that expensive.
Mike thinks I'm a little crazy to do this, (I'm sure people thought Yoga was crazy before they knew the benefits) he's afraid the guy is a scam artist and is going to rip us off. I see his point, I really do....but at the same time part of me believes that perhaps a piece of this whole puzzle could have something to do with my thought process and energy levels. I don't think it can hurt anything, and if it helps I will be thrilled. Perhaps all I will learn from the whole thing is some meditation techniques. That can't be a bad thing when I'm freaking out during all the waiting periods of the fertility process - it may ease my worries and help me calm my mind down. My mind even races when it isn't stressed, but fertility worries make me crazy in my head, I need something to center myself.
Am I crazy to do this? Some may think so, but I'm a little crazy everyday anyway and I'm desperate to try anything that they may help at this point!

Finally Over

Well, last night was the night that this all finally ended. The cramps were bad - but not as bad as last time, or maybe now I know what to expect. Last time it hurt so bad it made me cry in pain, this time was just a few heavy cramping moments for about 3 hours and then it was all over.
Now we can start fresh. I was glad it happened naturally with no drugs, it means my body "expelled" everything naturally and is doing a good job of getting back to normal. Now I have to wait one cycle and we can begin again. Probably around the beginning of September.
I had mixed feelings during the whole process sad that it was ending, that last bit of hope that perhaps the doctors had made a mistake and it would all turn out OK (I knew deep down that wouldn't happen, but I was still wishing it would), and I was happy at the same time because I knew I needed to finish this process before we could begin again.
I am glad that this is my last month of school and I have a break the whole month of August to myself before things start up again. I am looking forward to some healing and time spent working on me.
I hope everyone is having a good week!
Becky

Getting Healthy

Well, I took the rest of the week off because I am in the process of "expelling" this pregnancy and I just didn't feel like dealing with it at work.
I had given up the gym when I found out that I was pregnant out of fear that I might shake something lose, seems like that didn't really matter. I've gone back to the gym, I've been in the last two days and it feels good to go. Part of me feels like it's my weight that is making me a) not be able to get pregnant and b) not keep them. So, I need to lose as much as I can before we get pregnant again. I'm not going to stop trying to get pregnant by any means (age is more detrimental to pregnancy than weight) but it can't hurt.
I am going to not obsess about this, I am going to try to go to the gym each day, what I do there doesn't matter as long as I go. And I will try to eat healthy, which means adding fruit and veggies to my diet (I'm a carb girl). I'm just going to try to eat some fruit and veggies each day and cut back on the carbs. Diet's obviously don't work for me - I need to focus on just being healthy and see if that makes a difference.

We are approved for injectible IUI!

I had to have an "interview" with the fertility Dr. today to see if Mike and I are candidates for injectible IUI. I guess some people can be rejected. We were not!! We got the big speech about the chance for multiples which really isn't that different from the medicine I've already been on for years - triplets and higher is still only a 5% chance...the big difference is the twin factor which jumps from 9% to 30%! The doctor had to make sure I could handle twins.....once he realized I've been teaching preschool forever he decided I would be OK.

So...now we wait for one regular cycle and then we move on. The Dr. hopes I will get between 8-10 eggs per cycle (they like 3-4 but "because of my age", they are being more aggressive). Nothing like fertility drugs to really focus on how old you are. He said "Well, when women are 39 we need to be aggressive with our treatment. I reminded him that I still had two weeks of 38 left.

We are off.....on the next step of this infertility journey, maybe there is a plan in the whole thing, maybe we are meant to have multiples!! Hee Hee....that should give Mike a small heart attack. ;)

Here we go again

Well it's confirmed, the baby seems to have stopped growing at 6 weeks, and now I have to wait for my body to "expel" (sounds so unloving) the baby. This could take anywhere from now up to two weeks. So I get to walk around "pregnant" for two weeks, but really not pregnant, and hope I don't start passing it while at work or sitting in class at night.

We talked extensively to the Dr. and we can start trying again as soon as 8 weeks from now. We are moving up in the fertility chain to injectible IUI. I have to actually go to a two hour class on how to inject myself everyday in the stomach. We will hope to have between 4-8 eggs during this injectible cycle and then hopefully at least 1 will be a viable egg. This obviously has a much higher chance of multiples (mainly twins and triplets which is A-OK with me), but could happen that all the eggs fertilize and implant. Have you even seen John and Kate plus 8? Well, this is the exact procedure they did, the first time they got twins - the second time they got 6!!! I don't believe our 900 sq foot house can handle 6 kids, but we could manage with two.

I'm feeling much better about the whole situation now and I know it was nothing I did, just a chromosomal abnormality. But it still sucks and now we are put back another 8 weeks before trying again. Mike and I discussed on the way to this appointment that we will continue to pour our money into this until I'm 41 (two years from now) and then we will just be the most awesome Aunt and Uncle a kid could have. We'll host summer fun at our house!! Can you tell I'm really trying to put a positive spin on this whole awful ordeal.

The one hard thing to come of all these procedures is the expense, we have applied for a "Growing Family" grant that gives couples 10,000 towards fertility procedures, we'll keep our fingers crossed for that, and we are cutting corners everywhere we can. I'm afraid I will have to give up my beloved chorus because we need the extra money for all the fertility procedures, but it's a chorus I can always join again in two years.

Have a wonderful week everyone and thank you all for your kind words and thoughts during this really trying time.
Becky and Mike

Pregnancy Loss

Well, as you can see by the title this pregnancy is not viable. The results of my hormone levels today were oly 1570 when they should have been closer to 10,000. Now it's just a matter of time until the miscarriage. Life can really be a bitch sometimes. It seems like two miscarraiges already weren't enough for me, the universe has decided that I deserve another and it really pisses me off. Mike and I have done everything right in trying to make this pregnancy work, and still it doesn't.
I think we are both pretty pissy right now, we've been snapping at each other alot this morning and I think we are just both so disappointed it hasn't worked and we still have to wait and get through the actual miscarraige itself.
I feel pissed off that others get pregnant and sail through pregnancy with no troubles at all, and continue to get pregnant over and over and have all the children their heart desires, yet for me - that seems impossible. I told Mike I think it's my punishment for leaving the Mormon church. I often wonder if God would have given me children if I had stayed, but that also seems impossible since I would have never met Mike had I stayed.
It's all a bunch of jumbled up feelings, feelings of anger, sadness, jealousy and failure all rolled up together. Oh yes and getting through the rest of life (like school and work) still has to go on with it's everyday stuff.
This is the part I dread most, telling people. People never know what to say to me, I never know how to respond. They usually say "well at least you got pregnant", which really isn't much of a comfort when it took us two years just to do that!
I hate that people are as disappointed as I am, having to make the call to my grandmother and let her know it didn't work again is just hard. I completely understand why people don't tell anyone, because this part of the process really sucks.
So - I know you are all here reading for our support, I don't feel like talking to anyone right now (it just makes me cry), which is why I havn't picked up the phone for those of you who have called.
We'll get over it in about a week and hopefully we can start trying again soon.

Wow, I knew this blog would be a good outlet for me, it has been and I appreciate all of you reading it!
Becky

Declining Test Results

Well...Sadly I must report that my progesterone levels are falling. They have gone from 17 to 12.5 which isn't good. I don't know what my pregnancy hormones are doing because it's Sunday are for some crazy reason Kaiser e-mails me the progesterone results but nothing else. Declining test results are typically the first signs of an impending miscarriage.

I'm sad, and disappointed. I really wanted to see those levels rise so it would give me hope for a viable pregnancy. No one should have to go through more than one miscarriage in their life. It makes you feel like such a failure at something women have been doing with no problem for years. It just isn't fair to see teenagers and crack whores getting babies with no trouble, but those of us who do everything we can to have one just can't seem to grasp it. It feels like a punishment from God, teasing me with a pregnancy and then yanking it away.

I will never be able to feel the joy of any future pregnancy's because I will forever be on edge waiting for something bad to happen.

I'm so sorry to have to tell you all this, we were so excited to finally be pregnant again. We won't stop trying, we are going to do the "injectible" IUI as soon as we can start trying again. Unfortunately that one cost's about 1500.00 per cycle so we can only do it once a year. But we will try it and pray it works.

Thank you for all your support, prayers and hugs. We appreciate them.

Thoughts

I haven't posted for a while because I have been feeling less then positive about this pregnancy. Mike is trying to keep me positive but things just haven't been reassuring enough for me to feel like things are really going well.
Last week I was spotting so I went to the Dr. who gave me the 50/50 speech "50% of pregnancy's end and 50% don't, there is nothing I can do". For a pregnant woman, with already 2 miscarriages in my belt that's not really what I needed to hear. He did an ultrasound and could find nothing, not even a sac, but then told me "don't worry my machine isn't very good". WHAT?? So I wonder, did I already lose it? Or was it just the machine? I just don't know what to do with my brain at this point - it is freaking out, and as much as I know there is nothing I can do about it - that doesn't make it feel any better, or make me stop freaking out.

I feel like I'm losing my symptoms, my boobs were sore, and now I think they aren't - or are they sore because I'm constantly tugging at them? Am I making them sore or are they sore because of hormones, I just don't know!
What I do know is that there is nothing we would like more that a healthy child so we are praying every chance we get that things will turn out fine. We have another ultrasound on Tuesday and right now I am off for blood work to make sure hormone levels are still doubling as they should be.
I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July, I spent it pulling weeds in the yard.
I'll keep you posted as to what is happening. Good thoughts and prayers for a healthy pregnancy are very much appreciated!
Love,
Becky

My Mantra

Well after a long night of crying and being upset because the ultrasound was less then encouraging. And having my wonderful Mikey hugging me and telling me it would be OK. I have decided there is nothing I can do to help or hinder this process - it is what it is. Crying made me feel a little better, but really didn't improve the situation so as Diana and Christine say I just have to give it up to the Universe and see what happens. But I still want it to happen really really bad!! That's the part that's hard - I want it so badly, yet there is nothing I can do to make it be.

I haven't given up hope that this is a viable pregnancy so my new mantra is "It was too early to see anything".......I just hope with all my heart that on Tuesday there is something there to shout about.

Ultrasound results

Well, again the emotions of this whole process are killing me. We went and the results are not bad, not great just kind of a "too early to tell" answer was what we got.

The Doctor was very nice and she saw a gestational sac and what she thought was a yolk sac, but that little bugger is so far in there she really had a hard time seeing anything. At one point she said "I think I saw a heartbeat, but it was very faint". Which is one of two things, one there is no fetal pole and we have another blighted ovum, or it's just too early in the pregnancy to see anything.

I'm disappointed, not sad because it could all be fine, but disappointed that there wasn't more of a confirmation of a fetus in there. I do have a print out of a gestational sac that makes me feel better.

This is the lesson I have learned today, never ever schedule these appointments in the afternoon because the waiting all morning long was just too much.

We go back on Tuesday for another Ultrasound and we are hoping to see a fetal pole and a strong heartbeat then. I made that appointment for 8:15am!

We appreciate all the well wishes and good thoughts we know you were sending our way at 1:30 today. Thank you all.

Now I'd better get some homework done, I wasted the morning worrying.
Becky

First Ultrasound Today

Today at 1:30 is our first ultrasound, I'm excited and scared to death all at the same time. There is a part of me that feels like everything is OK, and another part of me that is scared something will go wrong.
I think if this worry continues I will soon go insane. Please send all your good thoughts, prayers and karma to my stomach at 1:30 today!
I'll let everyone know how it goes as soon as we're home.

The Dropsies

I'm beginning to think having the "dropsies" is my own personal pregnancy symptom. I've been dropping everything! Last night I made a big pot of pasta for dinner and after I had put all the leftovers in tupperware I was taking the big pasta pot to put in the sink and I literally threw it at Mike and it all went everywhere. This morning I was getting something out of the fridge and I picked up a tupperware full of pasta and BAM, threw it all over the floor!
What's up with dropping everything? After buying the groceries at school the other day I dropped the eggs getting the groceries out of the car. There is a pattern here, I only drop food. I'd better stop before we have no groceries left!
We are excited for our Ultrasound on Monday! We can't wait to actually see proof that there is something growing in there.

Learning about blogging

Sorry for all the misspelled words in that last post (it is 5:00am) I even spell checked it and fixed them, but somehow I don't know how to get the new edited version to post instead of the one full of mistakes - so bear with me as I try to figure this out, and over look my spelling mistakes from thinking faster than I type.

Feeling Anxious

My anxiety grows as we get closer to our first ultrasound on Monday, all I can think about is what if they don't see a baby? That's what happened last time, there was a yolk sac and nothing inside, I fear the same fate for this baby.
Maybe it's because I don't have the experience of a positive outcome to go on, or maybe I'm just freaking myself out for nothing.
This whole experience has me to the very edge of my sanity with worry, happiness, excitement and fear. I've never been on such an emotional roller coaster.
Those "what ifs" that usually plague me around the time of IUI are back again. Mike is so wonderfully positive about the whole experience, and it's so hard for me to feel that with him, I really really want to, but I also need to protect myself from the disappointment that could happen again.
I wish I had a Crystal ball that could tell me things will be fine, or they won't, but either way I would be prepared.
I hate being unprepared, I like information, I need to know where I stand at all times - this has me completely swimming in uncertainty.

Signs and Symptoms

I never ever thought I would say.."Hurrah I vomited!". But this morning it happened, it came upon all at once and actually took me by surprise that it came on so fast and uncontrollable. I was being sick and so happy all at the same time.
Hurrah - I am hoping that this is a sign of a very healthy pregnancy.

Crazy Dreams

I sit here looking for every sign of pregnancy possible, even though I have a confirmed blood test, I still worry. I have a teensy bit of nausea, fatigue and some CRAZY dreams! That's about it right now.
I have to describe the dream I had last night - especially for Mykaela. The rest of this post will not be interesting to anyone except Mykaela but I'm going to write it anyway.
I dreamed that I had gone to see WICKED in a small theatre here in San Jose. I happened to know someone working backstage and they asked me to help be a "dresser" for the night and they put me on "Elphaba!" (The Wicked Witch for those of you not up on your WICKED references) The girl playing Elphaba was Eden Espinoza and I was star struck to say the least!
She was so nice to me in my dream!! Then after I had her dressed I got to go back into the audience, but before I went they handed me a script and said "Learn the voice of God before intermission." (There is no voice of God in the real WICKED but in my dream I was God!). I was so excited to have a part I immediatly started memorizing my lines when a big teenager in front of me stole my script!
I was so angry I yanked it out of his notebook and left my seat.
I went backsatge to memorize my lines and did a great performance as the voice of God, then I got to hang out with Elphaba and Glinda after the show and we took lots of pictures and I got lots of autographs for Mykaela.
Now isn't that just the craziest??

Pee to find out gender?

So, i was goofing around online and came across this!! www.intelligender.com Basically you pee into a cup (very similar to a pregnancy test) as early as 10 weeks and presto chango the sex of the baby! The site says it's 82% accurate. Oh how interesing, because usually you can't find out what you're having until like 20 weeks.
You are wondering if I bought it aren't you? Of course I did! It will sit on the shelf in my bathroom until the day we hit 10 weeks (July 28) and then I'm taking it, we'll compare it to what the Dr. finds and see if it works.

EXCELLENT NEWS!!!!!!

It's amazing what a night of praying can do for the soul! The doctor just called to let me know that my hormone levels are prefect. They started at 45 so they needed to rise to at least 90 - but mine rose to 148!!!! The average for this day is 95 - we have an above average child already!! hee hee
I'm thrilled, Mike is thrilled, we are all thrilled - now if things can just continue along this path we will be fantastic! I will beleive it's true when that baby is in my arms.
Thank you all for your e-mail hugs, thoughts, prayers and good karma. Keep it all coming there are 248 days to go!

Feeling a bit better

Wow what an emotional day, and who knows I could be just being emotional for nothing. After all my obsessive behavior I talked to three very wise women. Betty Carol, who quickly gives me ideas on how to ground myself. She always has something so interesting to say. Diana who told me "It's all up to the Universe now" (How profound) and in the end I called the wisest person I know. My grandma, she's amazing - she was very excited but never said it will be ok (which I sometimes tire of hearing because we don't KNOW it will be ok), she said "Becky Ann you know what to do - just get on your knees, and I'll add my prayers too."
So, I am feeling much calmer this evening.
I have no control over what may or may not happen so I guess I just have to throw it out to the Universe and God and hope it all goes our way.
I am proud to announce I did not look up any websites about pregnancy hormones at all tonight. I did homework instead.

A little OCD?

I think I'm being a little obsessive compulsive about these hormone levels, my friend Diana would tell me to "stop it!". Mike is telling me to chill out and there is nothing to worry about. I can't, I'm searching everything on the internet to compare my results to others, most of the time they look low which is really freaking me out! Sometimes they seem completely average.
I have to walk away from the computer - I did this for 4 hours last night. Avoiding my homework and obsessing instead. I wish there was a way to influence the numbers and make them change but there is nothing I can do!
ACK!! It's so very frustrating, wanting the perfect numbers to equal the perfect pregnancy. I took another blood test this morning, praying the whole time that the numbers would double. I don't find out anything until tomorrow at 10am. I will try to get through the night and then I pray for good results tomorrow.

The results are in!!!

...according to the blood test we are officially pregnant!!! YAY!!! My HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) are 45, which isn't hig, but isn't too low. The average woman at 4 weeks pregnant (which is where I am) is at 48 - so we're pretty darn close to average.
What we need is to see them double by Wednesday so we are hoping for numbers somewhere above 90.
PLEASE continue those good thoughts our way for happy growing hormones!
Thank you all for the kind thoughts and well wishes, we are thrilled and keeping our fingers crossed that this one "sticks"!

1/2 the results!

Ok....so I have 1/2 the results. My progesterone levels are 17.1 (they should be somewhere between 9-47 for a viable pregnancy. SO the Dr. was pleased with 17 (sounds a little low to me...always devil's advocate!)
He didn't have the HCG results, so we have to wait for that until tomorrow.
I'll keep ya posted! The good thoughts are working keep them coming!
Becky

Pee on a stick

Well, I know I said I wouldn't say anything but Mike reminded me that we have this blog for the support we need from family and friends. So.....we have a positive pregnancy test! Actually, we don't have just one, we have 11. I couldn't stop taking them - because I just needed to be sure. I tried lots of different brands - every one of them came back positive. Now, we are thrilled about this, but we are also going to be realistic - a positive pregnancy test does not equal a baby - we know that from experience.

This morning I took a blood test to verify the pregnancy and make sure all the hormone levels are moving up as they should. I won't find out the results until tomorrow. PLEASE send your good thoughts, prayers, karma to us at this time that this pregnancy will be viable and have the hormone levels it needs to sustain itself.
I'll let you know tomorrow about the blood test results! ;)

What if?

I am sitting here in my "Alternate Behaviors in Young Children" class (where I should be paying attention to the presentation, but they have free Wi-Fi and I have a laptop). Which is basically a class for Special needs children. All I can think about is, What if I do get pregnant? What if my child has ton's of problems? What if we can't afford the care to handle it? What will I do to take care of them?
Oh my goodness so many "what if" questions! I don't even know if I'm pregnant and these questions flood my mind with worries. Mike and I had talked about life with a Down's child, we know that's a possibility because of our ages, and we think we can handle that. But what about CP or some other awful medical malady that we have no control over.
I guess we just have to take a chance and jump in. Is that what every parent does? Do young parents just assume their child will be fine and have no troubles? I guess it's all up to fate.
Sometimes I take my worries to the worst case scenario so I can work out a plan in my head. 99% of the time those worst case scenarios never happen (except for being able to get pregnant - and we're dealing with that), but just in case it does I like to have at least pondered the idea.
EGADS the responsibility of even just getting pregnant - sheez!

My Hair

My hair is falling out. Not a couple here and there in the shower but a handful each time I brush it. Not normal for me. I could not figure this out so I asked the Doctor.
The Doctor reminded me that during pregnancy most women have a wonderful shiny head of hair (gee doc, thanks for rubbing it in!), but as soon as they deliver they lose large amounts of hair for the next three months.
What happens is during pregnancy your hair goes into a "Resting" phase - more so than normal (since we all lose a few hairs each day). About 1/4 of your hair is resting while you are pregnant - as soon as you deliver all the resting hair falls out and new hair grows. BUT.....if you're taking that pesky "pregnancy" hormone HCG (the injectible one) then your body thinks you're pregnant throwing your hair into that resting phase, but then, if you're not pregnant and start your period two weeks later like I have been doing then your body releases all the resting hair! Let's do this process for a year like I have and no wonder my hair is falling out by the handfuls. Voila! The answer to my shedding.
So, I will either get pregnant and be done with this whole injectible hormone thing OR I will go bald in the process. Fantastic. Mike says he'll still love me, even bald.

Pregnancy Tea

So the pregnancy tea arrived today!! Woo Hoo! The problem is I HATE all hot drinks, but thanks to Kathy who recommended the tea I learned to brew a whole bunch and then ice it. So, I'm drinking my tea! It tastes like a liquid stick of spearment gum. Which isn't so bad, three times a day.
Brewing it was a mess, I used a pitcher Mike and I got for our wedding. I had never used so I thought it would be nice to get it down. It was orange, glass and fancy. The second I poured the hot boiling water I heard a loud CRACK! Yep, the base, in a perfect circle all the way around. The water was slowly leaking out but I knew if I moved it I would have a pitcher full of boiling water all over the kitchen. What else could I do? I was ready with towels but it was still a hot mess. But if it works I do not care! ;)

I hope it creates a warm and nurturing womb and that what ever may be floating around in there can hunker down and stay for about nine months!

Be grateful for what you have

Ok I just need to vent about this. I live in a lovely old little neighborhood and have a very good relationship with the neighbors on one side of me (even though they have yappy chihuahuas that I would just love to give away).

Last night as I was watering the front lawn, the neighbor next door came out to chat, she let me know she was newly pregnant (5th child) and she was SO disappointed it was going to be another girl.

I stood listening nodding my head at her poor unfortunate fate and the whole time I was thinking are you kidding? You're upset because you get pregnant so easily but can't choose the sex of your child?

I hear this lots from parents in my school, friends - how easy it is for them to get pregnant and yet when they find out the sex they are devastated. My neighbor told me she cried for a week because they want a boy so bad.

I understand you want a boy - but for someone like me who would give my right arm for ANYTHING, I find this complaint so ungrateful. I want to shake these women and say, "you got pregnant, your blessed with a healthy pregnancy, a healthy child - WHO CARES THE SEX!!!!!!

It's at this point in the conversation that I usually walk away or I'll say, "well, if you're truly that disappointed (enough to make you cry for a week? really, a week?) I'd be thrilled just to have a child, let me know if you consider adoption. This usually stops their complaining cold.

The waiting begins.....

Ok, it's been 2 days. Of course I know nothing, but this is the time in the proceedure when I start to obsess about every little thing. Am I feeling nauseous? (nope) Is my skin glowing? (nope), but I continue to check.

This is when I am keeping super close track of those tempertures hoping for the highest possible (so far so good) if they stay high we're good to go, when they drop I know things didn't work.

I try to stay busy to keep my mind off things. That isn't hard working and going to school full time. I just really wish someone would invent a pregnancy test that you could take like 2 days after these kids of preceedures and see if it worked, something that would say - yep that sperm found the egg, rather than spend the next two weeks wringing my hands avoiding sushi, caffiene, and microwaves "just in case".

IUI

OK it's done! Now we cross our fingers and wait two weeks for the results. Oh we will NOT be posting our results here until we have made it past that ever tricky first trimester. We can't go through the happiness of telling people we're pregnant only to have to turn around a few weeks later to say we've miscarried. That pain was enough the first time.

So here's our good news from today, Mike had 6 times more sperm than our last attempt! Thank God for OJ!! The Docter was VERY pleased, as were we. The guy who washed the sperm even said "Today is your day!" Which of course gets my hopes up, I'm trying to not get them up, but it's hard not to. It cracks me up that they "Wash" the sperm - don't you envision a little guy back there with a sald spinner plucking out the slow ones? Mike's comments on his paper today about the sperm were "Vigorous and fast moving". I hope so! How can one NOT get pregnant with millions of sperm? I just need one! The Dr. said sometimes the sperm get confused and lost on their way, oh great. I hope Mike's sperm has a better sense of direction than he does.

So now we enter the torturous 2 weeks of waiting. This is the worst part of the whole thing

There has to be a better way...

So...today is the big day which means I had to take the day off work, get up early and "collect" Mike's deposit. There has to be a better way to do that! The whole situation is stressful - get it in the special cup, yet keep the cup upright at all times - How is that possible?
Without going into too much detail let's just say - it isn't romantic, it isn't fun, and it sure is tricky to work that little cup.
Then I have to 1) Keep it at room temperature. 2) Make sure the cup doesn't tip over in the car. 3) Get it to the clinic by 7:30 am - all in the special unmarked brown paper bag. 4) Place in the deposit basket with all the other unmarked bags. I start to freak myself out thinking, "what if they mix up the deposits?"
I'm afraid our deposit isn't enough, or I won't ovulate, and the whole thing will just be a waste.
Ugh these emotions are so back and forth, I try to be happy and think that it will work, but then I sabatoge the whole things with feelings of "maybe.....".
Those maybe's are killing me.

OUCH!

36 hours before IUI one must have a shot of HCG to induce ovulation. HCG is the pregnancy hormone, no one told me that the first IUI and of course the day of our insemination I took a pregnancy test, which of course came back positive (all because of the HCG) I thought I had become immediatly pregnant with the IUI. I don't make that mistake anymore.

So here's my shot, my choices for entry were arm, butt or bellybutton!! Do people choose belly button? I chose my arm! Thank goodness Mom's a nurse and I don't have to pay another co=pay just for one little shot.

Have a great weekend! We'll blog again after the IUI on Monday.

Orange Juice = Miracle Elixer

Did you know OJ makes your sperm multiply? Hmmm...we didn't either. The first time we had IUI Mike's count wasn't the most optimal it could have been. The Dr. suggested a glass of Orange juice in the morning and one at night.
The next month his count had TRIPLED! Yep, he drinks lots of OJ!

The Charts!

When you are trying to get pregnant you have to chart....EVERYTHING! Your temperature the second you wake up, medicines that you've taken, everytime you try to make a baby, and other unmentionables.

I have been taking my temperature everyday for THREE YEARS!!! ugh....I hate having to wake up at the same time each day just to make sure my temp is where it should be. Then I have to remember after I fall back asleep to chart it when I'm at the computer. I use fertilityfriend.com. It really is a great website if you need to chart this kind of stuff.

This week we are attempting our third IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination). We had two failed attempts, so we switched from Clomid to Femera (I call these meds the "egg patrol", it's their job to find 'em and round 'em up to get ready to be fertilized), Femera is stronger with less side effects (yeah right!).

Yesterday I went in to see how many eggs were ready for fun! Only one....but one's really all you need right? It's at 17mm (did you know they measure them?) which means I get Mom to give me the shot to release it tonight and it should begin it's journey about 11:00am on Monday where it will hopefully be fertilized during our IUI at 11:30.

The nurse from the clinic just called to remind me of my appointment on Monday and to let me know that the cost has gone up another $65.00 just so I wouldn't be surprised. Fertility treatments are expensive! It amazes me that others get pregnant for free, yet for me to be a parent we shell out about $400.00 per cycle for the chance that it might happen. The medicine is $50.00 for 5 pills, the ultrasounds are $100.00 each (you need two) and then the proceedure is $150.00.

I do feel grateful that we are able to at least go this far in fertility, the next step is in-vitro, at $12,000 per cycle that's never gonna happen. I don't have $12,000 extra laying around. There is IUI with the help of injectible medications (only $50.00 per shot and you need 10) and you need more ultrasounds so that special IUI is about 1200.00 per cycle. We'll try that in August. We get one shot a year at that one because it is so costly.

Maybe we should take $5.00 a day and play the lottery!!!

Welcome to our blog!

Hello family and friends!

Welcome to our blog! We have decided it's time to let everyone in on what's happening in our life, hopefully the relief of letting it out and the support you bring to our lives will help us along this crazy journey, and maybe teach us a thing or two in the process.

This is going to be our outlet to vent, laugh, cry, make fun of, and try to make sense of our world. If we offend you, please know it is unintentional and we are only trying to work through our own emotions

Most of you know that I teach preschool and have for about the last 20 years, in those years I have potty trained, educated and disciplined hundreds of kids...none of my own. I'm still enjoying everyone elses children but Mike and I decided about 4 years ago to start trying to have a family. Wouldn't you know that really wasn't what life had planned for us. That seems to be a whole other path, the path of infertility.

You know you never notice things until it's something that you want and then it seems to be everywhere! I think pregnant woman* are following me, taunting me with their overgrown bellies and glowing skin. Even today at the gym, 50 treadmills open all around me - the hugely pregnant woman has to choose one right next to me. Really? Must I spend the next 30 minutes trying to finish my workout, and try not to look with jealousy at your belly as you daintily jog along to "A Baby Story" on your treadmill screen.

It's so hard to understand why getting pregnant seems to come to others as easy as growing hair - yet for us, we can't seem to grasp it.

So as we embark uponu the miracles of modern medicine to become parents, we are going to document the whole physical and emotional process here. I guess if we don't get a child, maybe we can get a book deal out of the whole thing. ;)

I have added a video option to the blog, but we have no posted video's yet. The one's there are just from YouTube, feel free to ignore them. You'll see if we post a video because we'll let you know! Feel free to comment right along with us. We'd love to hear from you!!

*note to pregnant readers - I don't hate you, I'm jealous of you - I am fully aware it is not you're fault that I am not pregnant and you are, however you may often hear me vent about the pregnancy's that torment me - please don't be offended, it's just me wanting what you have!