Out with the old.....

I haven't written in a long time..I know. I'm working and then there's the baby, and I think I have no time now, school starts in a week! Bad news, I'm taking 14 units - good news I FINALLY graduate in May!! I will always regret never finishing what I started 20 years ago and having to do it now, although I do think I have learned more on this go around. So...this is a long one, pace yourselves.
This baby I adore, I come running home as quick as I can each day. I am always amazed by some of the parents I see who drop their children off (parents dressed in pajams) as soon as we open each day and pick them up (dressed in gym clothes) with 5 minutes until closing each day. I understand the children who have to stay all day because their parents are working and I also understand the parent who leaves thier child for a long day on occasion, but the ones who do it everyday I just don't understnad, perhaps this view will change as my child gets older (lord know's many of my other views did a quick change when I became a parent), but I know I can't do that to my child. I know he's waiting for me, and I'm waiting for him. I savor every moment he's awake, which is ALOT of moments in 24 hours, I'm sure soon I will be ready for some moments when he sleeps more - but I haven't hit that wall YET.
I'm amazed each day at how I love him more and am beginning to understand the parents who bargain and request that their children do somthing (or stop doing something)over and over without ever following through (hopefully this will not be my case when he's a toddler) but I find myself doing that at bedtime. I would really like him to actually sleep in his crib, but he prefers his little rocking bed, or me. I do not particularly like being his sleeping choice because I'm scared I will fall asleep too hard and suffocate him , or I will do again what happened when he was a month old and I hadn't slept for days; I will drop him. I guess I now have to explain - when he was about a month old the sleeping (the lack of) was seriously out of control and I was exhausted but was so worried about him not breathing that I would hold him while he slept in my arms. One night I finally did fall asleep and when I did my arms relaxed and he fell, only about a 18 inches, but he still fell and I felt horrible for days!
Anyway, I would like him to sleep in his crib - so I can sleep in the bed with my husband once again and not in the Lazy Boy where I have been for the last year. But......he falls asleep in my arms and the second I put him in his bed his eyes pop open and he's awake. I walk away quickly and he usually doesn't protest. I leave him there (tonight was 40 minutes!) I go back in and he's still wide awake (not complaining) and I find myself taking him out of the bed and rewarding him with hugs and kisses. I know that I am doing this - I see myself rewarding the behavior I don't want. Yet, I continue to do it. It's like eating - you know something is bad for your body but you keep eating it. I know I should leave him in the crib - but he smiles at me and I yank him out and cuddle him and repeat the process 6 more times until I just give in out of exhaustion and let him sleep on me. He's winning - and I seem to be OK with it right now - please remind me of these words when you see me heading towards being the over indulgent parent three years from now.
I pray that in 2010 I can follow through with the limits I set (and not say "No, I told you no" "If you don't stop....." ) like I hear parents say all day long - but never see them follow through with one of their threats and their children are horrible because they know Mom and Dad are never going to do anything about it. Or....Mom and Dad finally bust and then the punishment is much too extreme. See? I can Super Nanny everyone else except myself. UGH
I'm also stressed out, I really really want to get us to a place where we have no debt - but that dream is so far from reality that even thinking about it drives me to eat. I believe all the Christmas candy is finally out of the house - I have eaten my way through it in a Christmas induced, sleep deprived fog. I realized yesterday morning, mid bite, that I was having chocolate for Breakfast. Seriously, not good. I would like to lose weight this year (I would actually like to lose weight ANY year), but I just can't continue to make the same resolution each year and not get anywhere with it so this year I'm just going to say that I would like to make healthier choices and hopefully that will allow me to not throw away the whole day because I had one bite of something I shouldn't have.
I also need to get moving - the two PE classes that are required of me in order to graduate in May should force me to do that. I hate PE - I was THRILLED when we moved to Oklahoma and PE was not a required course but Music was! If you've never been a fat girl (or boy for that matter) in a PE class, you have no idea the humiliation and shame involved. I was overjoyed to move somewhere where I could excel in the extra-curricular activity and not be embarrassed about myself.
Can you tell I'm feeling a little blue? I'm in that self-deprecating mood where I feel fat and ugly (even though my fantastic husband {main reason I married him right here} says I'm not), where nothing fits me right yet my solution is to sit and be depressed instead of get moving (sigh). I'm also disappointed that the whole breastfeeding thing never has worked out like I want it to. I pump ALL day it seems and can give Erik about 1/2 of what he needs and we supplement the rest with breast milk. I've tried fenugreek herb to help and it did for a while. I've found something new called "Mothers Special Blend" - It came in the mail today and is a combination of Fenugreek, Goats Rue (what is rue? Mike swears it's goat crap and that's the nice way to say it), thistle and fennel. It comes in pill and liquid. I bought the liquid because it was cheaper but it tastes HORRIBLE and burns like hell going down and I have to take it 4 times a day. I hate licorice with a passion, I won't get near anything that remotely tastes like licorice, which means I stay away from things that have fennel for that reason. This stuff is full of it , and if I didn't love this child as much as I do and want to make more milk from him there is no way I would drink this stuff. It's like liquid licorice and I seriously have to do the little kid gagging down the peas dance just to get it down. It BETTER help.
Mike's job is not the most stable right now and we are seriously JUST making it so I'm freaking out about that - yet trying to be supportive at the same time. He has an interview tomorrow for something better and hopefully all will go well. Momma's got to pay for that van, there is no way in hell I'm giving it back - I LOVE it.
Putting on the Becky happy face to pull everyone else out of their funks has left me feeling in a funk myself. Sometimes I just don't want to be the happy one who fixes everything and always finds a solution - sometimes I just want to fall apart and have someone put me back together (in a skinnier version please).
But........soon it will be a new clean slate and while 2009 was a blessed year for us (our darling boy Erik) I am hoping that 2010 is even better.
Tomorrow I will take down the Christmas tree (what will Erik look at now) and put away another year. I wish a wonderful New Year on all of you in our lives and peace to everyone! Here's a little video of our year in pictures.
Love to you all.
Becky, Mike and Erik
See you in 2010!

Lick it good!!

There's a song that kids sing at daycare.."I want to Move it move it" that's all they know and that's all they sing over and over and over. I'm sure it's from some Disney movie I haven't seen. But when I saw Erik do this, that song, with these words was running around my head. "I want to lick it, lick it, I want to lick it, lick it.
Here he is - trying to lick his toy- but I have him strapped in...and he can't.

Dear Santa

My cousin Sara has a great blog too - www.sara-sundries.blogspot.com - check it out if you get a minute, she has links to some really cool other stuff and if you want to see the adorable things she crochets take a peek.
Anyway she did this on her blog and I loved it so much I'm stealing it for here and would love to see your "lists" as well.

Christmas List
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I think wrapped presents look much prettier and wrapping paper is much cheaper - but if I have gift bags they are the first thing I grab for convenience sake.
2. Real tree or artificial? Fake - purchased used from a friend of a friend and I LOVE that I don't have needles everywhere, my cats don't have the urge to pee on it and mark it, I don't have to water it. I can make it as big or as small as I need to and I paid $50 bucks for it ONCE....not every year, and I don't have to lay it out in the street when Christmas is over hoping the trash man will pick it up.
3. When do you put up the tree? The day after Thanksgiving, this year I did it a week before because that's when I had the time.
4. When do you take the tree down? I start New Year's day and gradually take things down and put them away over the next two weeks.
5. Do you like eggnog? Yep - the cold non-alcoholic kind, but man the calories!
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Donny and Marie Barbie dolls (I STILL have a crush on Donny Osmond), they had holes in the palms of the hands in a weirdly religious Jesus sort of way that were for their microphones to stick in, but I clearly remember asking my mother if they were friends of Jesus because they had hand holes like him.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My In-Laws
8. Easiest person to buy for? The Baby - he really just loves anything that makes noise or lights up.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Actually I love Nativity scenes and started collecting them when Mike and I got married, I like the really unusual ones, I have one that is just a penguin family, but the most interesting is the Native American one complete with Tee Pee. I think I have about 14 now.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? BOTH!!
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Ponds Cold Cream from a student, at least I wasn't the teacher who got lingerie!
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It's a tie between Elf and The Christmas Story.."you'll shoot your eye out!"
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Whenever I have money - I JUST went back to work so I'll be xmas shopping on the 24th I'm sure.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Absolutely.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? A desert my mother makes called "4 Hour Delight"
16. Lights on the tree? Yes, blue LED, white twinkling LED and snowflake shaped white LED
17. Favorite Christmas song? I love them all.....today my favorite is Joy to the World because my niece (3) called and sang it to me on the phone and then informed me that it was my Christmas present....SO cute!
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We used to travel but I told Mike if we ever had kids that on Christmas day we would stay home and people can come to us. I hated packing up as a kid and going from house to house when all I wanted to do was play with my new stuff!! I won't do that to my child.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Oh yes, how could I not I'm a preschool teacher!
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? A star, one that light's up completely - it's gorgeous!
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? That my husband who works retail has to work SO much, and I miss him.
23. Favorite ornament? All of them, Mike and I started buying ornaments as souvenirs from anywhere we go when we first got married and now we have so many that it's fun to remember where we got them - our latest - a porcelain, hand painted ornament from our trip to Lake Tahoe. We need a Baby's first Christmas ornament!
24. Do you make Christmas cookies? Yes!
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A bag of hundred dollar bills would be great, anything in that little blue box, Kristin Chenoweth's Christmas CD, Tickets to In The Heights which is coming to SF this year and a mani/pedi!

Feeding Time!

We have moved to solid foods!! He likes them very much. See for yourself here. The Doctor told us because he was a big boy it was up to us when to start him. He had to meet some prerequisites developmentally but he had met them all with A's in each one so we got the green light. He was about to eat anything that got near him, toys, his hands, my hands, and giving me that look like "you had better give me a taste of whatever you're eating!"

He loves his new highchair that Nana bought him and when he sees me get it he gets all squeely (I'm sure that's not a real word) and excited because he knows food is coming! Here's a picture of him being very happy in it.

It's so fun to see him experience these new things, and I have a freezer full of food for him to try that I started making a few weeks ago. The doctor said we could introduce a new food every five days and gave us a list of about 8 that we could work from.

We took him to the Swedish festival in San Francisco last weekend and man, those are definitely Mike's people. Every where I turned I was looking into Mike's face, so many people that were the mirror images of his mother and Aunt.

We saw a performance of a Ukaline -a combination Violin and Ukelele- (this is what is looks like and here is what is sounds like) quartet by men dressed up in Swedish outfits. It was interesting ... for about 3 minutes, and then it reminded me of nap time music. We found lovely gifts for Mike's mom and at one point a woman I was buying something from was trying to tell another customer the name of the animal that the skin on the shoes was made from but she didn't know the animal's name in English so she looked at me and asked me to translate it. I laughed, I may have the Swedish blond part down - but she obviously didn't see the rest of me, I'm not a thin, long legged Swedish beauty - now I think I would blend right in at the Irish festival (look for me near the potatoes and cheese), Swedish.....never! We did buy Erik a cute little shirt with a Swedish heart shaped flag on the front that says "Swedeheart". It was a fun day.

I'm hoping this week he will begin to sleep through the night, we've had a few sporadic nights but getting up at 2:00 and going back to bed at 3:00 and then getting up again at 5:00 to go to work is no fun, but it's all worth it from one of those toothless grins!

4 Months Old!

It's hard to believe this child is 4 months old, the time is WHIZZING by and I want to hold up a big red light so it can just STOP and I can keep him little forever. But, I also can't wait until he can talk - I want to hear that little voice, and to know what crazy things he is thinking (like the boy who told me last week that preschool was for learning how to "keep our hands off our willies") and watch him grow and explore and see the world through his eyes.


He had his 4 month check up today (I made Mike hold him for the shots - not as bad as the first ones), the Dr. actually said he was one of the most beautiful babies he'd seen and we should consider getting him into baby modeling. Then he proceeded to tell us that it takes so much time to make your baby a model that the parents need to quit their jobs in order to take the baby on jobs. That won't be happening here - we'll just keep our beautiful boy to ourselves and fill all our friends e-mails with a thousand annoying pictures that we just must share.


Speaking of....here's Erik and his first time on Santa's lap!


Erik now weighs an even 19 pounds and is 26 inches long. He was in the 90th percentile in everything! He wants to eat EVERYTHING, his hands, blankets, toys, grown up fingers whatever he can get his hands on...the cats better watch out. We are going to move to rice cereal in the mornings. I'll make sure to video that!!

Adjustments

They are being made all over this household! By a husband who now has to get up at dark o'clock each morning to help his wife so she can get to work by 7, even though he may not have to work until noon, and he doesn't even complain.
A Nana who is now on baby duty each day with a baby who is not so thrilled at the Mommy working idea.
And me, who while I LOVE working, I never understood how hard it was to leave a child. I think for so many years I've been on the "teacher" side of that situation, peeling crying children from Mom's legs and wondering why parents keep coming back over and over for more kisses - causing the child to say good-bye too many times. I swore I'd never do that. It's so understandable now. It's funny how all the things I've sworn I wouldn't do as a parent are slowly coming true.

Although some of my mother's views are changing as well. We got into it last week about when to start solids as she was giving me the "my babies started solids at 6 weeks.....blah blah" I tried to let her know that things change from generations to generation and in the last 30 years things have changed. She didn't quite get it until I mentioned that it used to be OK to smoke and drink when you were pregnant, and they used to tell you NOT to breastfeed. After that argument she shut up, until she started in a few days ago on something she used to say about my sister when she was watching her little girl and I can remember talking to her on the phone and her complaining that "all your sister does when she comes in is hold that baby." I admit that I too would agree that it was OK for her to let the baby be. I wasn't a working parent then. All I want to do when I come home each night is sit and hold this baby for hours. I could care less if dinner gets made, if the house is clean, I just want to hold him. He fills a void in me that I never even knew needed filling, but it did and now I'm never letting it empty again.
Mom started in on me with that same argument yesterday and I finally thought of a way to explain it that she would understand, when she said "I never held my babies all evening, I got dinner on the table and the house picked up". When I reminded her that she never had to walk away and go to work while someone else watched her babies, that she was able to see them grow and develop and smile at them all day long -- she understood. She never worked until we were all in school and if she did before, it was only a night shift here and there or a weekend when Dad was home to watch - but she didn't get up and leave us everyday when we were infants, that's hard as hell to do each day - but it has to be done.
Erik is struggling to figure out the days when Mom is home and the days when Nana watches him. He won't sleep for Nana, a couple 20 minute naps during the day but he saves it until I get home and then collapses into my arms when I walk in the door and sleeps for hours. Today Mom was frustrated, he was frustrated and needed to sleep so I told her to find something of mine and give him, she gave him my nightgown. She said he hugged it, took a big smell of it and drifted off to sleep for almost 2 hours, when I came home from work he was still asleep hanging on to it. Here's what he looked like.

We had a great Thanksgiving (all those day's off in a row!) which gave me time for some filming! Here's Erik yelling at his toys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI9xUe75ecE

ADDENDUM!

I stand corrected, my child is not only great in Nana's hands - he is FABULOUS in Dad's hands as well. (There Mike is that good?)

Actually, he does an awesome job with him (except for that one time, when he left his penis poking out of his diaper - hee hee) - and I am lucky to have such an involved, amazing husband....even if I do give him a hard time.

Love you Mike! Mean it! ;)

and see.......in good Daddy's hands!

Homemade Baby Food

Schools out for a month and this little guy will soon be starting to eat solids and after pricing a jar of baby food (seriously some are a buck a piece!) I thought it would be better to make them homemade. I was prepared for a huge mess (like when I got a wild hair 2 summers ago to can tomato's and green beans.....there is a reason people don't can anymore, it's a real pain in the ass and SO much work!), luckily this was nothing like that experiment.
I cooked a big bag of Costco carrots - put them in the food processor with a little water and then filled up ice cube trays with little individual portions - voila! Instant baby food! This morning I popped all the carrots into one gigantic Ziploc and tossed them in the freezer - today - Apples and butternut squash. Mike and I did the math this morning and we got 28 servings of baby carrots for the $1.15 I paid for them......28 little ice cube things and I think 2 are equal to one jar of baby food. SO, 14 jars of baby food for 1.15 - that works for me! And it really was no big deal to do it.
I have to be this thrifty if I want to keep my awesome new van! I love it - but it does use more gas than my other car so we are cutting all the corners. But I do feel better knowing my baby will eat organic baby food and I know everything that went into it!
He's slept through the night (well 8-4am - nothing like getting up at 4:00am on the weekend!) for 2 days in a row!
Here's Erik and his Papa chatting

on the move!

Uh oh......he can roll over!!! We're in trouble now! At least he can only go one way - hasn't figured out how to go from the back to the tummy yet. He hates tummy time- guess this is his way of protesting it.

Belly Laughs

I love those very first belly laughs that babies make. Erik is just starting to do it - here's a couple! Thanks to my cousin Laura for cluing me in on how to upload video, it didn't work with this one though because it is too long. But follow this link to You tube and you'll see it there!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYmol6AsBew

Last days at home

My maternity leave is ending....it's sad. I don't want to leave this guy all day! I'll miss something, I just know it, he's beginning to do things like laugh - from the belly, and it looks like he could roll over any day now. I don't want to miss those things. I do want to miss the spit up. A couple days ago Erik spit up on my shoulder - no big deal I cleaned it up. But in the moment I remember thinking that it sounded much worse then what I cleaned up. Fast forward a few hours later and I found the rest of it. I thought I hadn't cleaned up much, and I was right because the rest of it had gone IN MY HAIR! and it was HOURS before I noticed it, when I finally had time to run a brush through my hair and it got caught in a mess.....and when I smelled the ball of mess in my hair I knew exactly what it was. Soured milk......yep, I won't miss anymore of that!

But I am grateful that I have been able to stay home for the last 4 months. It's been so nice to watch him change and grow. I have been missing that paycheck though so it will be nice to have that back again.

I came home from an errand today and found Mike and the baby like this. Please notice what is on the TV. Stanford vs. USC. Mike SWEARS Erik was watching the game.

Erik is beginning to hold his head up now (when he's not arching his back so far backwards you have to catch him when you're holding him). He also has an affinity for things that make a crinkling noise like the ears on the elephant his Papa and Grandma Liz gave him, he LOVES that elephant. He sits with it and just touches the ears. Here is a picture of him.

He also LOVES his crib!! Hurrah!!! He sleeps very well in it!

I'll check in next week after I've had to leave him all day and we'll see how many days I cry on my way into work.

Mom Van

We now have a van. A 2007 Honda Odyssey. It's lovely. I never thought I'd say that about a van - I don't like vans, they always felt like small school buses to me and I swore if I ever needed to go bigger then I would go with something more like a large SUV. But....I drove the van, and loved it. Now there is room for everything! I can actually have the stroller and groceries in the car at the same time, which was nearly impossible before.
I changed Erik's diaper in the back yesterday and didn't have to unload everything to do that! I told Mike this is the last car I plan on having for many many years - now if I can just figure out how to make the Satellite radio work then I'll be good to go!
I do feel a large urge to go to a soccer game.

ZZZZZZZZZZ

The baby slept through the night, the baby slept through the night - Hi Ho Hi Ho the baby slept through the night! (Sung gleefully)

Which means Mama did too! This is the first time he has slept ALL the way through the night. He went to bed at 9:00 and didn't get up until 5:00! He almost slept through the night once before, and may have had I not shaken him awake at 3:00am, this time restrained myself and he slept until 5!! Then he drank a bottle and went back to sleep until 6:30. WHEEE!!! Just in time for me to go back to work in a couple of weeks. Now.....to get him in the crib.

Titty Coasters

I bet that title got your attention didn't it? It got mine when Mike said it to me last night as he was pulling laundry out of the dryer and asked where I wanted him to put the "Titty Coasters"......the what? I thought I had no idea what he was talking about and I was in the other room feeding Erik when a flying disk came flying in.......these "Titty Coasters" he says again. I realize that they are the leak pads that I put in my bra to keep my boobs from showing the world the work they are doing. Mike comes up with some funny names for things. He combines "Buddy" and "Son" and calls Erik his little "Budson" which I think sounds like a mini Budweiser Beer. He also calls breast milk "Freshly Squeezed Boobie Juice" as he's talking to Erik about. But in the end all his quirky names make perfect sense.....and see for yourself......they do look like coasters.

Here's Erik in is "Official" Halloween Costume - He was a San Francisco Giant.

Hope everyone had a geat Halloween and welcome to November!

First Trip to the BeachHouse!

The beach house has been in our family for years. My grandfather bought it long before I was thought of, when his children were very young as a place to get away from work. It is still a place to get away and I think almost everyone of his grandchildren have honeymooned in it, that's how much we love it. As a child with a summer birthday I had them all at the beach house. When my 2nd grade class was studying Tide Pools we took a field trip to the beach house to see them! It is my favorite place in the world and while we all must take turns and share it - when we do have the opportunity to use it, we are thrilled. Last week my Dad had his turn and since we weren't able to take our annual vacation to Oklahoma we quickly jumped on going to the beach house and joining him! It was very nice of him to share his time with us and give us a chance to introduce our favorite place to Erik.

We left on a Friday morning with Mike driving and me sitting in the back with Erik - on our way down south we stopped in Santa Cruz for a while so Erik could hang out with Mike's parents for an hour. Which was a good way to get out of the car seat and stretch before that very long drive ahead of us. Erik is in that adorable stage where he smiles at everyone so he was really charming Mike's folks!

After a fun filled visit off we went with me in the back (my new riding space) Erik asleep, and Mike driving. I decided this would be a good time to pump (the breast pump fits into the cigarette lighter..handy!) and assumed the back windows were tinted enough that no one would notice. I don't think anyone saw anything - but one truck driver with a load of strawberries looked awfully happy!! Oh well, they're just boobs.

We left our house at 7:30 and arrived at the beach around 4:00. This is usually a 5 hour trip for us so you can see that baby makes it a longer - but that's OK! We got in, unpacked and settled in to wait for Dad and Liz who were flying in the next day. This would be Mike's idea of settling in.

Mine is sitting outside, sipping a cool drink and looking at this.

We couldn't have asked for nicer weather - and as my cousin says " ANY day is a good day at the beach - no matter the weather!"

We waited and geared up for "Papa" to come and meet this little guy. I was wondering how Erik would take to him - he tends to scowl at strangers. I shouldn't have been worried. My father has now been proclaimed the "Baby Whisperer" Erik adored him - and I think he adored Erik! They were constantly together. I got up with him in the middle of the night....umm Dad I guess the Baby Whisperer is off the clock between 11:00pm and 10:00am? But other then that - wherever Papa was, there was Erik - he even preferred Papa to Mommy! But that's OK. I'm glad they were able to make such a good bond. WE also got to visit our friend Bonnie who is an amazing photographer and have our first family portraits taken! You can see them here. (click on View/Order and the password is Mooers). And we just had a lovely time! Here's a little video of Erik's first trip to the beach.

We had fun visiting my Great Grandmother - who turned 96 last month and doesn't seem a day older then when I was little. Every now and then she'll tell me her brain went away - but I couldn't tell, she was adorable as usual.....and as usual had all her make-up on and there she sat chatting away with us! We so enjoy the time we spend with her. I hope Erik gets to have many more visits with her, she is an incredible lady.

Mike had to return home early (thank goodness it's only 40 bucks on Southwest!) so he came home on Monday and Erik and I stayed for 5 more glorious days and then packed up and came home Friday morning. I was a little scared at how that trip would go with no one in the back seat - but after a stop at Target in some town called Atascadero, halfway home, we were equipped with all car related baby toys that sing, light up and entertain. I didn't hear a peep out of him after that! 50 bucks well spent! Don't tell Mike it was 50 bucks...it was less for him to FLY home...oops!

When we left the beach house I cried, not just a little tear goodbye cry but that ugly-can't catch your breath cry. It could have been a bit of the lingering baby blues - but I think more it was that my child absolutely adored his grandfather and it makes me sad that my family lives so far away and after visits like that I understand really how important family is.

So...Erik and I made it home on Friday.....Saturday as I was sitting at the computer listening to the horrendous music coming from the very loud party next door I see a car pull into my driveway and I get ready to give the "you can't park in my driveway" speech when I look closer and it's my DAD!! He missed Erik too - Liz said he was moping around the beach house after we left so they came up to visit me. They stayed until Tuesday and we had a lovely (albeit cramped time in my teeny house) visit. We did San Fransisco and Shopping and just enjoyed each other's company even more.

We also got sick...very sick. Some horrible head cold, brain busting. sniffling, sickness. I thought my head might split in two yesterday. Oh and this morning I woke up with pink eye - in BOTH eyes! Now I am paranoid I am going to give it to the baby. I did take him to the Dr. for his sniffles and got a look like "really?" for the sniffles? She told me to suck out his nose....oh and he weighs 17.5 pounds now! Although I took this picture yesterday - same day we went to the Dr., this is what the Dr. saw - He sure made a liar out of me! Not looking sick at all! Tomorrow is Halloween! I wonder what tricks and treats it will bring....I'll post pictures of the "official" Halloween costume....oh no you haven't seen it yet!

OW!

Yesterday Erik had to have his 2 month shots. We've already lived through the nightmare of no insurance for this little guy so we have finally squared that away. I don't want to start the whole 'to immunize or not' debate with anyone - but IN MY OPINION I think there just might be something with those shots, combined with our environment and a child's genetic make up that just sometimes doesn't all mesh together so we had chosen no immunizations in the hospital. My grandfather who was a Dr. had always told my mother that an infant has enough stuff to deal with without adding more medications to their body. He told her not to do anything until the kids were at least 2 months old so I took that same advice. He now has his newborn shots and we will get the others in small doses as we go along. I'm not doing 6 shots in one visit. However, that was a horrible thing to go through! I've heard so many mothers say how awful it is - but I always thought - ya ya it's a shot - they cry for a second and it's over. I wasn't prepared for HOW they cry. I was holding Erik when she stuck him - and the cry of pain he let out was something I have never heard from him. That cry combined with the look of complete shock at me that I had allowed this to happen to him really tore me up. I cried right along with him. I almost took him out then, but he still had two more to go! We got through it - but it was awful. I told Mike he had to do the next set when he quickly reminded me that he held him during the circumcision - so I guess we're even.

I was concerned about fever and grumpiness especially because I had to go to school last night and take a midterm and he had to spend his first ever night with a babysitter (which was my dear friend Diana who he knows). I had told her before I left how much he likes the ugly ass 70's wallpaper in the bathroom and if he was sad just take him in there. She called it is "happy place" and after seeing his reaction to the wallpaper she said it was like Quaalude for babies......it really does make him just as happy as can be. The nights Mike has to babysit I think they may spend lots of time here.

Nana has gone to OKC to visit the other grandkids - he misses her. He's funny when I ask him "Where's Nana?" he does a big smile and a squeal. We get to go to the beach house this week and meet Grandpa (my dad) for the first time. I hope he's as happy for him.

Here's a picture of what we do to make this child sleep. He likes to feel 'closed in' so we have to roll up blankets, cover them with his silkies and then put them around him so he can feel them. I know I know 'nothing in the crib!" Believe me I know, I've been preaching it to other parents for years. However - my tune has changed. but, I promise the send he is asleep we remove EVERYTHING and then he's fine.

Oh - I'm typing this at 4:00am. He fell asleep at 8:30 last night and slept for 6 hours....yea, you do the math. He was up at 2:30. Mommy didn't go to bed however until 11:30! So while he has 6 hours of sleep (and is happily cooing beside me) I got 3......and here I am. Oh well.

Crying and Laughing

This baby is so funny. We thought it odd when we brought him home from the hospital and his little newborn cries sounded like talking. We thought he'd get over it and they would turn into full fledged cries. Nope - when he cries it sounds like Ay Ya Ay Ya mixed with Na na Na Na with a couple little sobs mixed in. It's very interesting! We are sure his first word is definitely going to be Nana. He's a very vocal little boy, when we put him on the floor he chats with the toys and Danny the cat.

Danny adores Erik (as you can see in this picture). And where ever Erik is, there is Danny. Erik chats with Danny more than he will engage with anyone else. He has long conversations with him!

Today we went to a Sweet Adeline show that my chorus is putting on before they go to competition in Nashville next week and he had such a fun time cooing and laughing at all the ladies. He was ALL smiles for them! But for Mom - Nada!

Tonight I coaxed some smiles out of him while I was filming him. If you can handle listening to me make an idiot of myself for five minutes to get him to smile you can see it here. The beginning of the video he is crying and you can hear the Ay Ya and Na Na if you listen carefully!

He's a hoot this little man!

2 month check up!

Can you believe Erik is 2 months old? It seems that just yesterday he was inside my tummy kicking around and now here we are with laughter and smiles and colic and coos!

I am still having my ongoing fight with Kaiser about their decision to not cover Erik, so while we wait for the appeals process we have to pay for everything out of pocket. His Dr. appointment today was $125.00 just to walk in and then $100.00 for each shot - of which he needed 4! YIKES! We had no idea we'd have to pay for the shots as well. When the Dr. told us that we decided to wait on those immunizations and go to the county health department where they are free - I'll be checking that out tomorrow.

Our big boy now weighs 15.1 pounds and is 26 inches long! That would explain why he is wearing 6mo clothes. He is in the 99th percentile in everything except his head which is still only in the 50th.

I love the fall, I love the cold weather and all the lights that begin to show up (Halloween didn't have lights when we were kids but now there are ORANGE lights everywhere!) and you can just feel the excitement coming from children. What they have planned all year to be for Halloween and they know Christmas is right around the corner! I have been having SO much fun dressing Erik up in the cutest Halloween outfits. I'm sure it won't last long so I'm going to dress him up for all the holidays until he is able to stomp his foot and say MOOOOM!!! Then I'll stop...but for now, bring on all the cheesy holiday clothes! I love 'em!

As we get ready for Halloween, Mom and I were in the Disney store the other day and I noticed they had the PRINCE dolls on sale (you can never find just the Prince's anyway - but to have them on sale as well!), and ever since my niece Ava learned Erik's name she has called him "Prince Erik" - she likes the Little Mermaid and he's the Prince. So, I found a Prince Erik doll!!

I was so excited to show it to Mike who was of course appropriately horrified in his fatherly reaction. As any father without a child development background would be at the thought of his wife buying their SON a doll. I think I convinced him that dolls are fine for boys because it teaches them how to be caregivers, daddies and sweet big brothers, besides how could I NOT buy the Prince Erik doll for my sweet little prince?

Here's some pictures of cheesy Halloween outfits! And the new masthead is the mantle in my living room all decorated for Halloween. Erik loves to sit and look at the lights.

I know we shouldn't be matchy matchy but we both have a shirt with a ghost that says "Boo!"

Happy Fall!!

Fenugreek

My sister told me about this product and since I have a quickly growing young baby who eats alot I decided to see if it would work. It's supposed to increase your milk supply. I've been taking it for a week now. It tastes like Maple syrup. I've heard that when my sweat and pee begin to smell like maple syrup then the herb is in my system and should be beginning it's goal of giving me a larger milk supply.

I do not yet smell like a pancake breakfast but I think my milk supply has increased. Or maybe I just think my milk supply has increased.
Anyone have any other tips? Have you used this stuff??

Sleep Deprived Ramblings

That post about getting lots of sleep? I must have jinxed it by posting that because it has not returned! Last night I got 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep. I drank coffee today to deal with it and those of you who know me know I NEVER drink coffee! It helps a little bit, but not much. I'm scared for when I have to add working back into this crazy equation!
Last week we went on a little vacation to Lake Tahoe, we had planned to go to Oklahoma City and show Erik to family but because of the blood clots in my lungs the Dr. said I couldn't travel that far.....I thought he was a bit crazy until we were driving up the mountains into Lake Tahoe when I realized I was having a very hard time breathing and it was then that I was grateful that we hadn't gone on a long trip. It took me a few hours to get used to the altitude and then I was OK.

He only sleeps in this so it had to be packed!
Packing for this trip was a new adventure in parenting. Babies need alot of stuff!! I usually take two bags, one for my shoes and one for my clothes. This trip required baby stuff so Mike and I had to SHARE (and that's hard for a girl) a bag. I had to choose carefully what I would wear for our 4 day trip and there was no excess allowed. It really taught me that I usually pack too damn much! We even had room in the bag for a few toys!
We stayed at the Marriott Timber Lodge which I HIGHLY recommend. The rooms are little one bedroom apartments and it really made a difference to have our own kitchen, living room and bedroom. I seriously enjoyed the hot tub which I sat in twice a day making up for the 9 months I never sat in one at all!! We even took Erik on his first trip to the pool which he hated. You can see the video of it here. I'm not thrilled to have my big self on video for all the world to see - but Mike wouldn't get in so a Mama's got to do what a Mama's got to do!

My first suit
Mike said he had a new found respect for how much I get up every night. It was nice to have him there to run and get bottles and pacifiers.
It was a nice little vacation - Erik traveled in the car very well for such a long trip. He even went to Reno with us where we were promptly asked to leave a couple casino's because of him. We were just making our way through the casino to the diner for lunch (with a very short stop at a couple slot machines). You aren't allowed to do that. I can remember when I was little going on vacation with my parents to Vegas and my Dad sitting us at a bar in some casino, ordering Shirley Temples all around while he and Mom played the slots - and I will never forgot the look on his face when Casino security asked if he had 5,000 and he said why? 1,000 for each child under 21 and there the 5 of us sat! We were quickly ushered out of there....nice to know things haven't changed.



Next month we look forward to spending a few days at the Beach House with my Dad and introducing this little boy to his Great Grandmother who turned 96 this week!

The baby is growing quickly - he smiles and coos now but has a very bad case of colic so definitely has his crying moments. It breaks my heart to see his little tummy hurting and there is nothing I can do about it except hold him. Which is all he wants. All in all he's the new love of my life (Mike I still adore you too!), it amazes me how anyone could get mad at an infant. Even last night when he didn't go to sleep until midnight and was awake at 2:30 for the rest of the day I still could do nothing but cover him in kisses and just hold him. He is our little miracle and we feel grateful for him every day. Which reminds me - the night before last when I actually got 3 hours of sleep I dreamed that we were having a family reunion and there was a children's table set up with art's and crafts and all my nieces and nephews were there having a grand time creating things and I noticed my Maternal grandmother (who passed away when I was about 23) sitting at the end of the table watching the children. But no one was interacting with her - and even though I could see her I knew she was only there in spirit. I even asked "Grandma can anyone else see you?" and she said No. When I asked what she was doing she said she was just watching her great grandchildren and she was so proud to see them all. It really touched my heart and I woke up so grateful that I had her for a few years and knowing that she still watches over us, especially my child made me feel very happy. When I was trying for so many years I used to pray to my Grandma to find and send me a child....I think this dream was letting me know that she heard those many prayers and followed through!
Life is good - now if I could just figure out how to get back to singing with my chorus that I am missing so much without it costing a fortune life would be perfect. Someday I'll sing with them again - for now I will just have to be satisfied with watching them from the audience and cheering them on!
Fall arrived today in that blustery way that fall arrives and I love it! There is nothing more cozy than a windy fall day and a bald baby to hold!

Becky

Sleep

Sleep - I haven't had much of it in the last 6 weeks. That old advice "sleep when the baby sleeps" is CRAP when the baby only sleeps during the day! I can't sleep at 2:00pm for 20 minutes..again, any pregnant moms out there that advice is CRAP.

We are finally getting to a point where he sleeps more than an hour and a half. In fact yesterday he slept ALL day except for a couple hours and I was very fearful for the night...but here is it 3:30am and he slept from 10-2, 4 hours! 4 Hours! 4 Hours! Did you see it was 4 hours?

I slept that whole time too and was shocked to wake up and see that I had slept 4 hours IN A ROW. Well, again - it's 3:30 am - Baby is back asleep, I however have so much energy from all that four hours that I have pumped, cleaned the kitchen (including UNDER the kitchen sink), played on facebook, written a new blog post and now have nothing else to do. I guess I could dig into that 4th Twillight book that I so need to finish - or I could just sit and look at this gorgeous angel sleep.......or wake him up to hug? No...sleep.

Goodnight!

Family Resemblance

OK - I know this child really looks like Mike - BUT he also looks like a Maguire. Check out his cousin Mykaela at 2 months and him.....oh and here's a picture of me at the same age. I am now convinced he looks like BOTH Mike and I. Whew! for a minute there I was beginning to think I didn't have much to do in the creation of this one!

6 years and counting!

Daddy and Erik window shopping

Erik at the table (notice his entree of milk!)

Becky and Mike!

Yesterday was Mike and I's 6th wedding anniversary. I must say the years have flown by! We've survived moves, job changes, pregnancy loss and fertility woes...and this year we have survived the birth of our first child...finally!

As I was remembering this day 6 years ago it was a non-stressful wonderful day. Mike and I had been planning our wedding for quite sometime. First it was to be in Tahoe in June - but that wasn't convenient for someone, so we changed it to the fall in Half Moon Bay but that wasn't convenient with those starting school, so then we changed it to December, but that wasn't convenient because of the holidays and it seemed like no date or time we picked made people happy. We had already booked our honeymoon in September since that was the easiest time for both of us to get off work. A week of that trip was at the beach house, and another week we thought would be fun to go to Vegas. By the time we got to Vegas we were so sick of trying to please everyone else's schedule that we just went ahead and got married while we were there! It was non stressful - no wedding dress, no flowers, nothing but the two of us, (and Shanan and Martin as witnesses). The justice of the peace was lovely and made us promise to cherish the little things each day and not sweat the small stuff!
We were married at 6:20pm and then went to some old casino for dinner. I wish we had stopped there with all the wedding craziness. We went ahead and had the big white wedding in December with all the stress, flowers and last minute going's wrongs (the wrong color cake, music that wouldn't work etc) of any weddings and I remember as I was walking down the aisle that I was thinking - it's ok, it doesn't matter we've already been married for 3 months. The big wedding wasn't necessary (I thought that for YEARS as we tried to pay it off), I tell anyone these days it's not the big ceremony that makes a difference - it's just the two of you that count. You can get married in a box as long as you're both there and take those vows seriously. The decorations, how much money you spent, none of it matters 6, 10 or 20 years down the road. It only matters that you're still together!

We went to Half Moon Bay today (the three of us!) and had a lovely walk around the little shops on Main Street and then a yummy lunch at Sam's Chowder House.

I can't believe that 6 years has gone by so quickly and now we start a new chapter - Parenthood!

Sometimes the nights are hard trying to figure out things like why is this baby crying when he should be happy? Worrying about his poop/pee and if he goes enough, or too little? Why does he bend his neck that way? Why does he sound like he is going to choke when he's drinking? Why Why Why? Whatever the answer - we'll figure them out together!

Here's some pictures of our day in Half Moon Bay!

Life With Baby

Mamma and Me!

I do this alot, it looks like I'm going to give kisses! Mommy thinks it's so cute!

Being cool in my sunglasses - which don't fit my itty bitty head!

In the car seat

Sleeping peacefully

Hanging out with my Dad!

Boomer Sooner! Ready for the first game (which they lost ;( of the season!

Life with baby has been a whirlwind. He's a beautiful, gorgeous boy who makes it impossible for me to sleep, do homework, clean my house or anything that doesn't involve holding him.....and all of you who want to yell at me that I'm spoiling him by holding him can save your breath. It took me 5 years to get this baby - I'll hold him all I want.

My house looks like a tornado came through and deposited baby items EVERYWHERE. He has 3 swings! Why? Because he doesn't like 2 and I do have to pee and take a shower at some point each day and he has to be put down for a little while - he hates two of them - and loves one. He sleeps in it at night and plays in it during the day. It has saved my sanity.

We have entered the baby world of Colic. Yesterday we took him to the Dr. (oh and his insurance hasn't kicked in yet so the appointment cost us 100.00 and the meds cost 180.00!) who showed us the "5 magic ways to burp a baby" - and in all my years in childcare I thought I knew all the ways to burp a baby - nope she had 2 that shocked even me!

She decided he has reflux so he's now on a regimen of soy formula (and I'm watching what I eat - no caffeine and no dairy) and Baby Tagament - who knew there was liquid Baby Tagament...which is peppermint flavored and he hates it! Why would you make something peppermint flavored for a baby???

Anyway - I finally had a minute to post something so thought I would catch you up on what we're doing. Here's my daily schedule

5:00 am - Feed Baby

5:30 am - Change Baby

6:00 am - Pump Boobies (oh...they finally came in! woo hoo )

6:30am - Rock Baby to sleep in arms - try to take a snooze while he sleeps

8:30am - Feeding

9;00am Changing

10:00am - Pumping

10:30am - Sleeping (this is when I dash around like mad to get stuff done because I have exactly 2 hours before he wakes up and before my boobies explode - and I don't want to be running errands when that happens)

12:30 - Feeding and Pumping

1:00 PLAYING!!! This lasts for all of 20 minutes but it's fun!

1:30 Rocking

2:00 Feeding

2:30 Sleeping

3:00 Pumping

3:00-5:00 Another 2 hours to accomplish something

5:00 - 7:00 Woo Hoo Dad's home and I can finally take a shower! Give Baby to Dad and pretend I don't hear the "Becky...Becky" that signals he may need help. Oh..he does it to me too, you know he does!

7:00-9:00 Baby is awake and not hungry, or dirty just awake and needing to look at us and be held - so we trade off the holding.

9:00 another feeding, another pumping and off to bed.

If we are lucky we get to sleep until midnight, then we are up until 1:00. Then up again at 3:00 - back to sleep and up for the day at 5:00.........oh and there's two pumping's in the middle of the night as well.

ACK!!!! But so totally worth the prize.....seriously how do people find the time to have more than ONE? I can't even imagine. At some point I will need to carve out some homework time!

Things I wish I'd known

This whole parenthood thing has really thrown me for a loop some days! Here's a list of some of the things I wish I'd known (or thought about) going into this whole thing. I'm not complaining at all - we worked for YEARS to get this baby so I am no way going to complain...just a few observations.
1-Baby's have LOTS of stuff! Who knew that three week in my living room would have 3 pieces of adult furniture and 5 pieces for one little infant!
2- Along with the stuff goes carrying a diaper bag. I didn't think to "re-pack" it yesterday as we headed to the Dr. (I don't re-pack my purse every time I leave the house) but my mother loudly reminded me that I have to replenish it each time I come home.....never even crossed my mind, DUH!
3-I spend the day with my boobs attached to a pump. And when I'm not attached to a pump I am feeding my child with the product of the pump! And....I'm still waiting for the big boobs - I just must not be meant for them, they have milk, they produce well - they are still itty bitty - WHY?
4-My idea if a blissful maternity leave went out the window about my third day home when I realized that I can and can not do things depending on the sleep schedule of this baby.
5-My husband surprises me at how well he has stepped up - when I call him - yes I call him, on the phone at 3:00am since I'm in the living room and he's in the bedroom - he never minds he jumps right up to get a bottle or help me out. I didn't expect that - and it is a lovely pleasant surprise.
6- I miss the daily schedule of working, getting up at the same time doing the same things each day - I find this maternity leave so unpredictable - and I'm working on my flexibility!
7-I can't believe disability has taken SO long to kick in, I eventually have to pay the rent and it makes me angry that while I got the paperwork in well in advance they still haven't done their part.
8-There is only CRAP on TV in the middle of the day
9-I can't put my child down - he's too beautiful and I just want to hold him. Besides it's easier to check if he's sleeping when he's laying on me- and I just can't see him in the crib. I have become the parent that over indulges her child. My friend Christine once told me that "what works at school doesn't count at home" and then as her child was doing something she didn't like she looked at me and said "see....do NOT judge me". I completely understand that right now. I can tell discipline might be much harder than I anticipate because he's so dang cute!
10-It didn't occur to me that what I ate would affect him, I was eating bean burritos everyday for lunch.....guess what, he had horrible gas and I couldn't figure out why - oh, wait.....what I ate!! Dang - I love bean burritos!
11-I was a person who could not sleep with lights on. Last night I slept with the light on right next to me head - and it didn't bother me at all.
Each day with this child is a blessing, and a learning experience! I'm now trying to figure out how to get out the door early tomorrow morning, we haven't done that before and I fear my own meltdown coming on since I'm someone who can't stand to be late.
OK - I have to go - the boobies are calling.

Baby Blues

This beautiful child is my new favorite thing! I am in love with this little man.
The days aren't easy - I cry quickly at everything, and worry about anything. Is he breathing? Is he cold / hot? Is he getting sick?
These must be the baby blues, hopefully they will go away soon. They aren't so much fun and they make me stress out about everything. My mother takes it all in stride as I cry some mornings, and others I'm perfectly fine! Amazing to me and I don't want to cry I don't, but I can't help it. I thought it would be EASY to not cry. I have a healthy child, I've lost 40 pounds in 2 weeks and everything seems to be falling into place. However, my health is not perfect, my money still hasn't shown up, school is about to start again, and sometimes this baby just cries (which breaks my heart) and I don't know what he wants or how to help him and it's just easier to cry along with him!
All part of the whole pregnant experience I guess. Now, if my disability would just kick in before all the food in the house runs out we'll be OK!
Blogger still won't allow me to upload pictures - I don't know what that's about. Sorry!

Breastfeeding

It's so not as easy as everyone makes it look! The women who whip out a boob and their baby magically latches on have got to be rubbing something on those nipples because it just doesn't work that way!
In the hospital the lactation consultant actually got upset at Erik because he wouldn't open his mouth wide enough, I finally convinced her he must be sleepy to get her to leave and she never came back.
It's been a struggle to put it mildly. He latches on OK but after about 3 sucks he's over it. He has to work a bit harder for this milk and since he was exposed to bottles and formula in the NICU he doesn't want to work for the mommy juice. I pump and pump and he does GREAT taking the breast milk from the bottle - but getting it actually from my breasts is a whole other story.
I spend the day either feeding the baby, pumping for the baby, or changing the baby - the rest of anything else in life is a blur, but that's OK. I worked for years for the baby and everything else can just take a backseat right now - he is the most important thing and he can have every minute of my attention if that's what he needs. He is beautiful.

The Labor Story

I know it has taken me a while to post, but it has definitely been a busy week. It's been one week today since Erik joined our lives and we feel completely blessed!
Last Thursday we went in the morning to the Dr. because I wasn't feeling him move very much and I wanted to make sure everything was OK. It was all OK but the Dr's noticed that at that time he happened to be head down, and in order to avoid a "C" section they decided to induce me right then so we could have a vaginal birth (that didn't work out so well).
Off we went to labor and delivery where we were immediately admitted and a Pitocin drip was started. It was easy - well that was about 3:00pm - It was easy until that medicine really kicked in, about 11:30pm and then I was not happy. Friends had gone home and at this hour it was just Mike and I, he decided to pull out the little Daddy bed chair thing and go to sleep. If I could have reached things to throw at him every time I had a contraction I would have - the contractions were bad when they were happening, but in between I was fine so then I wanted him to be able to rest but at the same time I wanted to hurt his hand every time a contraction hit - instead I just tried to breath through them.
At 1:00am I asked for the epidural. It was lovely - and numbing and made me feel very very drunk all at the same time. I think I was even slurring my words - everything was fuzzy. I remember asking Mike to call my friend Diana and have her run and get my Mom and come over. And the next thing I remember is many many people in the room (like 12!) screaming numbers out....60...50...40, this was the baby's heart beat and I guess he wasn't tolerating the contractions. I couldn't even feel anything anymore and was very confused about what was going on. I remember someone saying "get her to the OR we're losing him" and I began to freak out in my brain - but I was so woozy I couldn't really respond. I remember them wheeling me away and looking for Mike who looked as stunned as I felt.
We got into the OR and suddenly the heart rates were back up and the baby was fine so off we went BACK to the delivery room to avoid the C section. I know that as they were wheeling me to the OR they were filling me with numbing medication so I could understand and speak but really not move anything else. I wondered as they wheeled me back to my room, how the hell am I going to push this baby out if I can't feel anything? As soon as we got back to the room his heartbeat was gone again and we went racing back to the OR where they immediately began cutting, there was no waiting for Mike, no one to talk me through it, no one I knew and medical people yelling about heartbeats and blood pressure and asking me questions about what I could feel.
I couldn't see anything because of the big blue sheet in my way and all I could think of was if my baby was going to be OK. I didn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything and where was Mike?? Finally I heard someone say - "Oh my, he's really big". But that's it - they didn't say if he was alive, there was no crying and no one was telling me anything!
At this point they let Mike in the room and then Erik started to cry. It was so good to hear that cry! Mike kept telling me he was fine but I wasn't convinced. I didn't get to see him, they whisked him by me really quickly, I didn't get to hold him, or look at his face.
They said they were taking him to the NICU because they had to make sure he was OK. I didn't even get to kiss him or anything. It was definitely not the birth I had envisioned.
I wasn't prepared for the pain after the C section, I remember the nurses making me get up and it hurt so bad that I just started to cry (which only made things hurt more). I know the nurses had a job to do but they seemed so cold about the whole thing and I felt like I was being a baby for having the pain. I kept asking for my baby and one nurse told me "when you can walk to the NICU you can see your baby"....The NICU? Seriously? I can barely hang my feet over the bed and you want me to WALK to the NICU? It was like they were holding my baby hostage until I could get there to see him. I couldn't do it - I couldn't move, I couldn't sleep, the pain was not what I expected at all. It still isn't, as I sit here on day 7 still needing support to help me get dressed. I can't believe that in all the women I've known over the years NO ONE said a word about how painful this was!!
After calling the NICU many times and begging to see my child they FINALLY brought him to see me. Of course when they brought him to see me someone was trying to give me an IV (seriously I can't be the ONLY fat girl in the world to need an IV, isn't there a class on how to find veins on the fluffy people so you don't have to stick them EIGHT times, before calling others in to help?), which made it impossible to hold him, but at least I could see him.
Mom held him while I got my IV and then handed him to me - I was overwhelmed with how beautiful he was, while trying to ignore the German Nurse Petra who kept saying , "I will be back in 30 minutes for him, 30 minutes!!" Like I was going to scamper away somewhere - I could barely move. Those 30 minutes were joyous to be able to cuddle my baby after so much waiting!
We were discharged on Sunday and Monday morning I was back in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs. Like I said, it's been a week!! I was having trouble breathing so back we went and found out I have blood clots. All I could think of was all the medical shows I've watched and the people always die from pulmonary embolisms! My thoughts were honestly...SHIT! I had to spend the day on a gurney in the ER while they "observed" me for 12 hours. It was very lonely, and a woman who has just delivered a baby, left alone for 12 hours with her thoughts, can really come up with some awful things!! I now have to give myself a shot in the stomach of blood thinners each morning and each evening as well as take a pill each night. I then have to have a blood test every other day for the next 3-6 months to evaluate how my blood is clotting. UGH.
This morning was the day I lost it, I started thinking this morning about my life and how temporary it is. All I could think about was these blood clots in my lung and how they could break away at any moment and go to my heart and kill me and then I wouldn't have the opportunity to raise this gorgeous baby. I find it a very cruel trick of god, nature, whatever to give me so many years of infertility, then a gorgeous baby only to yank it out from under me with a clot? It's been a rough day - I'm sure this is in part to the baby blues, hormones whatever - it's just been hard to think about how quickly things can change in a split second.
I was crying when Mike left this morning (poor guy - he didn't know how to help), I cried changing the baby's diaper because he was crying, then my Dad called and I started crying again - but he did make me feel better after talking to him about the blood clots.
Life is beautiful when I'm holding that baby, and scary and fleeting when I'm giving myself shots. It's all too much - I'm trying to take it all in, without letting it overwhelm me. I'm going to pray that these clots go away and I will be with my boys for a very long time. Life just throws us all kinds of curves doesn't it? I'll have to post pictures later for some reason blogger is not allowing me to do that right now....but I know many of you were waiting for the Labor story so I'm posting anyway.

40 and fabulous??

Today I turn 40. How is that possible? I don't feel 40, I don't act 40, how can I be 40? I remember baby sitting for someone's 40th birthday party when I was about 16 and I can remember thinking "oh my goodness that's SO old!". Little did I know that I would soon be there.
It seems that each year in my life passes quicker than the one before. Do you remember being a child and anticipating something (a party, trip to Disneyland) and how the time would CRAWL to that point? It seems like I hit 20 and someone sped up the clock and each year it gets faster.
I find it funny as I sit here turning 40, in the 40th week of my pregnancy that this part of my life didn't even start until I was 34.
Here's to another 40 years of fun, love and happpiness.....now baby COME OUT!!!