The Labor Story

I know it has taken me a while to post, but it has definitely been a busy week. It's been one week today since Erik joined our lives and we feel completely blessed!
Last Thursday we went in the morning to the Dr. because I wasn't feeling him move very much and I wanted to make sure everything was OK. It was all OK but the Dr's noticed that at that time he happened to be head down, and in order to avoid a "C" section they decided to induce me right then so we could have a vaginal birth (that didn't work out so well).
Off we went to labor and delivery where we were immediately admitted and a Pitocin drip was started. It was easy - well that was about 3:00pm - It was easy until that medicine really kicked in, about 11:30pm and then I was not happy. Friends had gone home and at this hour it was just Mike and I, he decided to pull out the little Daddy bed chair thing and go to sleep. If I could have reached things to throw at him every time I had a contraction I would have - the contractions were bad when they were happening, but in between I was fine so then I wanted him to be able to rest but at the same time I wanted to hurt his hand every time a contraction hit - instead I just tried to breath through them.
At 1:00am I asked for the epidural. It was lovely - and numbing and made me feel very very drunk all at the same time. I think I was even slurring my words - everything was fuzzy. I remember asking Mike to call my friend Diana and have her run and get my Mom and come over. And the next thing I remember is many many people in the room (like 12!) screaming numbers out....60...50...40, this was the baby's heart beat and I guess he wasn't tolerating the contractions. I couldn't even feel anything anymore and was very confused about what was going on. I remember someone saying "get her to the OR we're losing him" and I began to freak out in my brain - but I was so woozy I couldn't really respond. I remember them wheeling me away and looking for Mike who looked as stunned as I felt.
We got into the OR and suddenly the heart rates were back up and the baby was fine so off we went BACK to the delivery room to avoid the C section. I know that as they were wheeling me to the OR they were filling me with numbing medication so I could understand and speak but really not move anything else. I wondered as they wheeled me back to my room, how the hell am I going to push this baby out if I can't feel anything? As soon as we got back to the room his heartbeat was gone again and we went racing back to the OR where they immediately began cutting, there was no waiting for Mike, no one to talk me through it, no one I knew and medical people yelling about heartbeats and blood pressure and asking me questions about what I could feel.
I couldn't see anything because of the big blue sheet in my way and all I could think of was if my baby was going to be OK. I didn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything and where was Mike?? Finally I heard someone say - "Oh my, he's really big". But that's it - they didn't say if he was alive, there was no crying and no one was telling me anything!
At this point they let Mike in the room and then Erik started to cry. It was so good to hear that cry! Mike kept telling me he was fine but I wasn't convinced. I didn't get to see him, they whisked him by me really quickly, I didn't get to hold him, or look at his face.
They said they were taking him to the NICU because they had to make sure he was OK. I didn't even get to kiss him or anything. It was definitely not the birth I had envisioned.
I wasn't prepared for the pain after the C section, I remember the nurses making me get up and it hurt so bad that I just started to cry (which only made things hurt more). I know the nurses had a job to do but they seemed so cold about the whole thing and I felt like I was being a baby for having the pain. I kept asking for my baby and one nurse told me "when you can walk to the NICU you can see your baby"....The NICU? Seriously? I can barely hang my feet over the bed and you want me to WALK to the NICU? It was like they were holding my baby hostage until I could get there to see him. I couldn't do it - I couldn't move, I couldn't sleep, the pain was not what I expected at all. It still isn't, as I sit here on day 7 still needing support to help me get dressed. I can't believe that in all the women I've known over the years NO ONE said a word about how painful this was!!
After calling the NICU many times and begging to see my child they FINALLY brought him to see me. Of course when they brought him to see me someone was trying to give me an IV (seriously I can't be the ONLY fat girl in the world to need an IV, isn't there a class on how to find veins on the fluffy people so you don't have to stick them EIGHT times, before calling others in to help?), which made it impossible to hold him, but at least I could see him.
Mom held him while I got my IV and then handed him to me - I was overwhelmed with how beautiful he was, while trying to ignore the German Nurse Petra who kept saying , "I will be back in 30 minutes for him, 30 minutes!!" Like I was going to scamper away somewhere - I could barely move. Those 30 minutes were joyous to be able to cuddle my baby after so much waiting!
We were discharged on Sunday and Monday morning I was back in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs. Like I said, it's been a week!! I was having trouble breathing so back we went and found out I have blood clots. All I could think of was all the medical shows I've watched and the people always die from pulmonary embolisms! My thoughts were honestly...SHIT! I had to spend the day on a gurney in the ER while they "observed" me for 12 hours. It was very lonely, and a woman who has just delivered a baby, left alone for 12 hours with her thoughts, can really come up with some awful things!! I now have to give myself a shot in the stomach of blood thinners each morning and each evening as well as take a pill each night. I then have to have a blood test every other day for the next 3-6 months to evaluate how my blood is clotting. UGH.
This morning was the day I lost it, I started thinking this morning about my life and how temporary it is. All I could think about was these blood clots in my lung and how they could break away at any moment and go to my heart and kill me and then I wouldn't have the opportunity to raise this gorgeous baby. I find it a very cruel trick of god, nature, whatever to give me so many years of infertility, then a gorgeous baby only to yank it out from under me with a clot? It's been a rough day - I'm sure this is in part to the baby blues, hormones whatever - it's just been hard to think about how quickly things can change in a split second.
I was crying when Mike left this morning (poor guy - he didn't know how to help), I cried changing the baby's diaper because he was crying, then my Dad called and I started crying again - but he did make me feel better after talking to him about the blood clots.
Life is beautiful when I'm holding that baby, and scary and fleeting when I'm giving myself shots. It's all too much - I'm trying to take it all in, without letting it overwhelm me. I'm going to pray that these clots go away and I will be with my boys for a very long time. Life just throws us all kinds of curves doesn't it? I'll have to post pictures later for some reason blogger is not allowing me to do that right now....but I know many of you were waiting for the Labor story so I'm posting anyway.