Out with the old.....

I haven't written in a long time..I know. I'm working and then there's the baby, and I think I have no time now, school starts in a week! Bad news, I'm taking 14 units - good news I FINALLY graduate in May!! I will always regret never finishing what I started 20 years ago and having to do it now, although I do think I have learned more on this go around. So...this is a long one, pace yourselves.
This baby I adore, I come running home as quick as I can each day. I am always amazed by some of the parents I see who drop their children off (parents dressed in pajams) as soon as we open each day and pick them up (dressed in gym clothes) with 5 minutes until closing each day. I understand the children who have to stay all day because their parents are working and I also understand the parent who leaves thier child for a long day on occasion, but the ones who do it everyday I just don't understnad, perhaps this view will change as my child gets older (lord know's many of my other views did a quick change when I became a parent), but I know I can't do that to my child. I know he's waiting for me, and I'm waiting for him. I savor every moment he's awake, which is ALOT of moments in 24 hours, I'm sure soon I will be ready for some moments when he sleeps more - but I haven't hit that wall YET.
I'm amazed each day at how I love him more and am beginning to understand the parents who bargain and request that their children do somthing (or stop doing something)over and over without ever following through (hopefully this will not be my case when he's a toddler) but I find myself doing that at bedtime. I would really like him to actually sleep in his crib, but he prefers his little rocking bed, or me. I do not particularly like being his sleeping choice because I'm scared I will fall asleep too hard and suffocate him , or I will do again what happened when he was a month old and I hadn't slept for days; I will drop him. I guess I now have to explain - when he was about a month old the sleeping (the lack of) was seriously out of control and I was exhausted but was so worried about him not breathing that I would hold him while he slept in my arms. One night I finally did fall asleep and when I did my arms relaxed and he fell, only about a 18 inches, but he still fell and I felt horrible for days!
Anyway, I would like him to sleep in his crib - so I can sleep in the bed with my husband once again and not in the Lazy Boy where I have been for the last year. But......he falls asleep in my arms and the second I put him in his bed his eyes pop open and he's awake. I walk away quickly and he usually doesn't protest. I leave him there (tonight was 40 minutes!) I go back in and he's still wide awake (not complaining) and I find myself taking him out of the bed and rewarding him with hugs and kisses. I know that I am doing this - I see myself rewarding the behavior I don't want. Yet, I continue to do it. It's like eating - you know something is bad for your body but you keep eating it. I know I should leave him in the crib - but he smiles at me and I yank him out and cuddle him and repeat the process 6 more times until I just give in out of exhaustion and let him sleep on me. He's winning - and I seem to be OK with it right now - please remind me of these words when you see me heading towards being the over indulgent parent three years from now.
I pray that in 2010 I can follow through with the limits I set (and not say "No, I told you no" "If you don't stop....." ) like I hear parents say all day long - but never see them follow through with one of their threats and their children are horrible because they know Mom and Dad are never going to do anything about it. Or....Mom and Dad finally bust and then the punishment is much too extreme. See? I can Super Nanny everyone else except myself. UGH
I'm also stressed out, I really really want to get us to a place where we have no debt - but that dream is so far from reality that even thinking about it drives me to eat. I believe all the Christmas candy is finally out of the house - I have eaten my way through it in a Christmas induced, sleep deprived fog. I realized yesterday morning, mid bite, that I was having chocolate for Breakfast. Seriously, not good. I would like to lose weight this year (I would actually like to lose weight ANY year), but I just can't continue to make the same resolution each year and not get anywhere with it so this year I'm just going to say that I would like to make healthier choices and hopefully that will allow me to not throw away the whole day because I had one bite of something I shouldn't have.
I also need to get moving - the two PE classes that are required of me in order to graduate in May should force me to do that. I hate PE - I was THRILLED when we moved to Oklahoma and PE was not a required course but Music was! If you've never been a fat girl (or boy for that matter) in a PE class, you have no idea the humiliation and shame involved. I was overjoyed to move somewhere where I could excel in the extra-curricular activity and not be embarrassed about myself.
Can you tell I'm feeling a little blue? I'm in that self-deprecating mood where I feel fat and ugly (even though my fantastic husband {main reason I married him right here} says I'm not), where nothing fits me right yet my solution is to sit and be depressed instead of get moving (sigh). I'm also disappointed that the whole breastfeeding thing never has worked out like I want it to. I pump ALL day it seems and can give Erik about 1/2 of what he needs and we supplement the rest with breast milk. I've tried fenugreek herb to help and it did for a while. I've found something new called "Mothers Special Blend" - It came in the mail today and is a combination of Fenugreek, Goats Rue (what is rue? Mike swears it's goat crap and that's the nice way to say it), thistle and fennel. It comes in pill and liquid. I bought the liquid because it was cheaper but it tastes HORRIBLE and burns like hell going down and I have to take it 4 times a day. I hate licorice with a passion, I won't get near anything that remotely tastes like licorice, which means I stay away from things that have fennel for that reason. This stuff is full of it , and if I didn't love this child as much as I do and want to make more milk from him there is no way I would drink this stuff. It's like liquid licorice and I seriously have to do the little kid gagging down the peas dance just to get it down. It BETTER help.
Mike's job is not the most stable right now and we are seriously JUST making it so I'm freaking out about that - yet trying to be supportive at the same time. He has an interview tomorrow for something better and hopefully all will go well. Momma's got to pay for that van, there is no way in hell I'm giving it back - I LOVE it.
Putting on the Becky happy face to pull everyone else out of their funks has left me feeling in a funk myself. Sometimes I just don't want to be the happy one who fixes everything and always finds a solution - sometimes I just want to fall apart and have someone put me back together (in a skinnier version please).
But........soon it will be a new clean slate and while 2009 was a blessed year for us (our darling boy Erik) I am hoping that 2010 is even better.
Tomorrow I will take down the Christmas tree (what will Erik look at now) and put away another year. I wish a wonderful New Year on all of you in our lives and peace to everyone! Here's a little video of our year in pictures.
Love to you all.
Becky, Mike and Erik
See you in 2010!