Am I crazy?

So here's an interesting situation. I just hired a teacher named Julia who has a very good friend who does massage and energy work. I just spoke with him on the phone for almost an hour and he seems like an amazing guy.
He works with people on their breathing, meditation, healing massage and life energy's. I've never had any work like this done, but I notice when I go to the fertility clinic there are flyers everywhere for meditation classes for fertility patients. They are obviously encouraging us to go, (I'm sure becuase fertility treatments are so emotionally draining and stressful) but they want almost 600.00 for the classes. Now, I'm sure this guy isn't free, but I'm hoping he's not that expensive.
Mike thinks I'm a little crazy to do this, (I'm sure people thought Yoga was crazy before they knew the benefits) he's afraid the guy is a scam artist and is going to rip us off. I see his point, I really do....but at the same time part of me believes that perhaps a piece of this whole puzzle could have something to do with my thought process and energy levels. I don't think it can hurt anything, and if it helps I will be thrilled. Perhaps all I will learn from the whole thing is some meditation techniques. That can't be a bad thing when I'm freaking out during all the waiting periods of the fertility process - it may ease my worries and help me calm my mind down. My mind even races when it isn't stressed, but fertility worries make me crazy in my head, I need something to center myself.
Am I crazy to do this? Some may think so, but I'm a little crazy everyday anyway and I'm desperate to try anything that they may help at this point!

Finally Over

Well, last night was the night that this all finally ended. The cramps were bad - but not as bad as last time, or maybe now I know what to expect. Last time it hurt so bad it made me cry in pain, this time was just a few heavy cramping moments for about 3 hours and then it was all over.
Now we can start fresh. I was glad it happened naturally with no drugs, it means my body "expelled" everything naturally and is doing a good job of getting back to normal. Now I have to wait one cycle and we can begin again. Probably around the beginning of September.
I had mixed feelings during the whole process sad that it was ending, that last bit of hope that perhaps the doctors had made a mistake and it would all turn out OK (I knew deep down that wouldn't happen, but I was still wishing it would), and I was happy at the same time because I knew I needed to finish this process before we could begin again.
I am glad that this is my last month of school and I have a break the whole month of August to myself before things start up again. I am looking forward to some healing and time spent working on me.
I hope everyone is having a good week!
Becky

Getting Healthy

Well, I took the rest of the week off because I am in the process of "expelling" this pregnancy and I just didn't feel like dealing with it at work.
I had given up the gym when I found out that I was pregnant out of fear that I might shake something lose, seems like that didn't really matter. I've gone back to the gym, I've been in the last two days and it feels good to go. Part of me feels like it's my weight that is making me a) not be able to get pregnant and b) not keep them. So, I need to lose as much as I can before we get pregnant again. I'm not going to stop trying to get pregnant by any means (age is more detrimental to pregnancy than weight) but it can't hurt.
I am going to not obsess about this, I am going to try to go to the gym each day, what I do there doesn't matter as long as I go. And I will try to eat healthy, which means adding fruit and veggies to my diet (I'm a carb girl). I'm just going to try to eat some fruit and veggies each day and cut back on the carbs. Diet's obviously don't work for me - I need to focus on just being healthy and see if that makes a difference.

We are approved for injectible IUI!

I had to have an "interview" with the fertility Dr. today to see if Mike and I are candidates for injectible IUI. I guess some people can be rejected. We were not!! We got the big speech about the chance for multiples which really isn't that different from the medicine I've already been on for years - triplets and higher is still only a 5% chance...the big difference is the twin factor which jumps from 9% to 30%! The doctor had to make sure I could handle twins.....once he realized I've been teaching preschool forever he decided I would be OK.

So...now we wait for one regular cycle and then we move on. The Dr. hopes I will get between 8-10 eggs per cycle (they like 3-4 but "because of my age", they are being more aggressive). Nothing like fertility drugs to really focus on how old you are. He said "Well, when women are 39 we need to be aggressive with our treatment. I reminded him that I still had two weeks of 38 left.

We are off.....on the next step of this infertility journey, maybe there is a plan in the whole thing, maybe we are meant to have multiples!! Hee Hee....that should give Mike a small heart attack. ;)

Here we go again

Well it's confirmed, the baby seems to have stopped growing at 6 weeks, and now I have to wait for my body to "expel" (sounds so unloving) the baby. This could take anywhere from now up to two weeks. So I get to walk around "pregnant" for two weeks, but really not pregnant, and hope I don't start passing it while at work or sitting in class at night.

We talked extensively to the Dr. and we can start trying again as soon as 8 weeks from now. We are moving up in the fertility chain to injectible IUI. I have to actually go to a two hour class on how to inject myself everyday in the stomach. We will hope to have between 4-8 eggs during this injectible cycle and then hopefully at least 1 will be a viable egg. This obviously has a much higher chance of multiples (mainly twins and triplets which is A-OK with me), but could happen that all the eggs fertilize and implant. Have you even seen John and Kate plus 8? Well, this is the exact procedure they did, the first time they got twins - the second time they got 6!!! I don't believe our 900 sq foot house can handle 6 kids, but we could manage with two.

I'm feeling much better about the whole situation now and I know it was nothing I did, just a chromosomal abnormality. But it still sucks and now we are put back another 8 weeks before trying again. Mike and I discussed on the way to this appointment that we will continue to pour our money into this until I'm 41 (two years from now) and then we will just be the most awesome Aunt and Uncle a kid could have. We'll host summer fun at our house!! Can you tell I'm really trying to put a positive spin on this whole awful ordeal.

The one hard thing to come of all these procedures is the expense, we have applied for a "Growing Family" grant that gives couples 10,000 towards fertility procedures, we'll keep our fingers crossed for that, and we are cutting corners everywhere we can. I'm afraid I will have to give up my beloved chorus because we need the extra money for all the fertility procedures, but it's a chorus I can always join again in two years.

Have a wonderful week everyone and thank you all for your kind words and thoughts during this really trying time.
Becky and Mike

Pregnancy Loss

Well, as you can see by the title this pregnancy is not viable. The results of my hormone levels today were oly 1570 when they should have been closer to 10,000. Now it's just a matter of time until the miscarriage. Life can really be a bitch sometimes. It seems like two miscarraiges already weren't enough for me, the universe has decided that I deserve another and it really pisses me off. Mike and I have done everything right in trying to make this pregnancy work, and still it doesn't.
I think we are both pretty pissy right now, we've been snapping at each other alot this morning and I think we are just both so disappointed it hasn't worked and we still have to wait and get through the actual miscarraige itself.
I feel pissed off that others get pregnant and sail through pregnancy with no troubles at all, and continue to get pregnant over and over and have all the children their heart desires, yet for me - that seems impossible. I told Mike I think it's my punishment for leaving the Mormon church. I often wonder if God would have given me children if I had stayed, but that also seems impossible since I would have never met Mike had I stayed.
It's all a bunch of jumbled up feelings, feelings of anger, sadness, jealousy and failure all rolled up together. Oh yes and getting through the rest of life (like school and work) still has to go on with it's everyday stuff.
This is the part I dread most, telling people. People never know what to say to me, I never know how to respond. They usually say "well at least you got pregnant", which really isn't much of a comfort when it took us two years just to do that!
I hate that people are as disappointed as I am, having to make the call to my grandmother and let her know it didn't work again is just hard. I completely understand why people don't tell anyone, because this part of the process really sucks.
So - I know you are all here reading for our support, I don't feel like talking to anyone right now (it just makes me cry), which is why I havn't picked up the phone for those of you who have called.
We'll get over it in about a week and hopefully we can start trying again soon.

Wow, I knew this blog would be a good outlet for me, it has been and I appreciate all of you reading it!
Becky

Declining Test Results

Well...Sadly I must report that my progesterone levels are falling. They have gone from 17 to 12.5 which isn't good. I don't know what my pregnancy hormones are doing because it's Sunday are for some crazy reason Kaiser e-mails me the progesterone results but nothing else. Declining test results are typically the first signs of an impending miscarriage.

I'm sad, and disappointed. I really wanted to see those levels rise so it would give me hope for a viable pregnancy. No one should have to go through more than one miscarriage in their life. It makes you feel like such a failure at something women have been doing with no problem for years. It just isn't fair to see teenagers and crack whores getting babies with no trouble, but those of us who do everything we can to have one just can't seem to grasp it. It feels like a punishment from God, teasing me with a pregnancy and then yanking it away.

I will never be able to feel the joy of any future pregnancy's because I will forever be on edge waiting for something bad to happen.

I'm so sorry to have to tell you all this, we were so excited to finally be pregnant again. We won't stop trying, we are going to do the "injectible" IUI as soon as we can start trying again. Unfortunately that one cost's about 1500.00 per cycle so we can only do it once a year. But we will try it and pray it works.

Thank you for all your support, prayers and hugs. We appreciate them.

Thoughts

I haven't posted for a while because I have been feeling less then positive about this pregnancy. Mike is trying to keep me positive but things just haven't been reassuring enough for me to feel like things are really going well.
Last week I was spotting so I went to the Dr. who gave me the 50/50 speech "50% of pregnancy's end and 50% don't, there is nothing I can do". For a pregnant woman, with already 2 miscarriages in my belt that's not really what I needed to hear. He did an ultrasound and could find nothing, not even a sac, but then told me "don't worry my machine isn't very good". WHAT?? So I wonder, did I already lose it? Or was it just the machine? I just don't know what to do with my brain at this point - it is freaking out, and as much as I know there is nothing I can do about it - that doesn't make it feel any better, or make me stop freaking out.

I feel like I'm losing my symptoms, my boobs were sore, and now I think they aren't - or are they sore because I'm constantly tugging at them? Am I making them sore or are they sore because of hormones, I just don't know!
What I do know is that there is nothing we would like more that a healthy child so we are praying every chance we get that things will turn out fine. We have another ultrasound on Tuesday and right now I am off for blood work to make sure hormone levels are still doubling as they should be.
I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July, I spent it pulling weeds in the yard.
I'll keep you posted as to what is happening. Good thoughts and prayers for a healthy pregnancy are very much appreciated!
Love,
Becky

My Mantra

Well after a long night of crying and being upset because the ultrasound was less then encouraging. And having my wonderful Mikey hugging me and telling me it would be OK. I have decided there is nothing I can do to help or hinder this process - it is what it is. Crying made me feel a little better, but really didn't improve the situation so as Diana and Christine say I just have to give it up to the Universe and see what happens. But I still want it to happen really really bad!! That's the part that's hard - I want it so badly, yet there is nothing I can do to make it be.

I haven't given up hope that this is a viable pregnancy so my new mantra is "It was too early to see anything".......I just hope with all my heart that on Tuesday there is something there to shout about.