Ultrasound results

Well, again the emotions of this whole process are killing me. We went and the results are not bad, not great just kind of a "too early to tell" answer was what we got.

The Doctor was very nice and she saw a gestational sac and what she thought was a yolk sac, but that little bugger is so far in there she really had a hard time seeing anything. At one point she said "I think I saw a heartbeat, but it was very faint". Which is one of two things, one there is no fetal pole and we have another blighted ovum, or it's just too early in the pregnancy to see anything.

I'm disappointed, not sad because it could all be fine, but disappointed that there wasn't more of a confirmation of a fetus in there. I do have a print out of a gestational sac that makes me feel better.

This is the lesson I have learned today, never ever schedule these appointments in the afternoon because the waiting all morning long was just too much.

We go back on Tuesday for another Ultrasound and we are hoping to see a fetal pole and a strong heartbeat then. I made that appointment for 8:15am!

We appreciate all the well wishes and good thoughts we know you were sending our way at 1:30 today. Thank you all.

Now I'd better get some homework done, I wasted the morning worrying.
Becky

First Ultrasound Today

Today at 1:30 is our first ultrasound, I'm excited and scared to death all at the same time. There is a part of me that feels like everything is OK, and another part of me that is scared something will go wrong.
I think if this worry continues I will soon go insane. Please send all your good thoughts, prayers and karma to my stomach at 1:30 today!
I'll let everyone know how it goes as soon as we're home.

The Dropsies

I'm beginning to think having the "dropsies" is my own personal pregnancy symptom. I've been dropping everything! Last night I made a big pot of pasta for dinner and after I had put all the leftovers in tupperware I was taking the big pasta pot to put in the sink and I literally threw it at Mike and it all went everywhere. This morning I was getting something out of the fridge and I picked up a tupperware full of pasta and BAM, threw it all over the floor!
What's up with dropping everything? After buying the groceries at school the other day I dropped the eggs getting the groceries out of the car. There is a pattern here, I only drop food. I'd better stop before we have no groceries left!
We are excited for our Ultrasound on Monday! We can't wait to actually see proof that there is something growing in there.

Learning about blogging

Sorry for all the misspelled words in that last post (it is 5:00am) I even spell checked it and fixed them, but somehow I don't know how to get the new edited version to post instead of the one full of mistakes - so bear with me as I try to figure this out, and over look my spelling mistakes from thinking faster than I type.

Feeling Anxious

My anxiety grows as we get closer to our first ultrasound on Monday, all I can think about is what if they don't see a baby? That's what happened last time, there was a yolk sac and nothing inside, I fear the same fate for this baby.
Maybe it's because I don't have the experience of a positive outcome to go on, or maybe I'm just freaking myself out for nothing.
This whole experience has me to the very edge of my sanity with worry, happiness, excitement and fear. I've never been on such an emotional roller coaster.
Those "what ifs" that usually plague me around the time of IUI are back again. Mike is so wonderfully positive about the whole experience, and it's so hard for me to feel that with him, I really really want to, but I also need to protect myself from the disappointment that could happen again.
I wish I had a Crystal ball that could tell me things will be fine, or they won't, but either way I would be prepared.
I hate being unprepared, I like information, I need to know where I stand at all times - this has me completely swimming in uncertainty.

Signs and Symptoms

I never ever thought I would say.."Hurrah I vomited!". But this morning it happened, it came upon all at once and actually took me by surprise that it came on so fast and uncontrollable. I was being sick and so happy all at the same time.
Hurrah - I am hoping that this is a sign of a very healthy pregnancy.

Crazy Dreams

I sit here looking for every sign of pregnancy possible, even though I have a confirmed blood test, I still worry. I have a teensy bit of nausea, fatigue and some CRAZY dreams! That's about it right now.
I have to describe the dream I had last night - especially for Mykaela. The rest of this post will not be interesting to anyone except Mykaela but I'm going to write it anyway.
I dreamed that I had gone to see WICKED in a small theatre here in San Jose. I happened to know someone working backstage and they asked me to help be a "dresser" for the night and they put me on "Elphaba!" (The Wicked Witch for those of you not up on your WICKED references) The girl playing Elphaba was Eden Espinoza and I was star struck to say the least!
She was so nice to me in my dream!! Then after I had her dressed I got to go back into the audience, but before I went they handed me a script and said "Learn the voice of God before intermission." (There is no voice of God in the real WICKED but in my dream I was God!). I was so excited to have a part I immediatly started memorizing my lines when a big teenager in front of me stole my script!
I was so angry I yanked it out of his notebook and left my seat.
I went backsatge to memorize my lines and did a great performance as the voice of God, then I got to hang out with Elphaba and Glinda after the show and we took lots of pictures and I got lots of autographs for Mykaela.
Now isn't that just the craziest??

Pee to find out gender?

So, i was goofing around online and came across this!! www.intelligender.com Basically you pee into a cup (very similar to a pregnancy test) as early as 10 weeks and presto chango the sex of the baby! The site says it's 82% accurate. Oh how interesing, because usually you can't find out what you're having until like 20 weeks.
You are wondering if I bought it aren't you? Of course I did! It will sit on the shelf in my bathroom until the day we hit 10 weeks (July 28) and then I'm taking it, we'll compare it to what the Dr. finds and see if it works.

EXCELLENT NEWS!!!!!!

It's amazing what a night of praying can do for the soul! The doctor just called to let me know that my hormone levels are prefect. They started at 45 so they needed to rise to at least 90 - but mine rose to 148!!!! The average for this day is 95 - we have an above average child already!! hee hee
I'm thrilled, Mike is thrilled, we are all thrilled - now if things can just continue along this path we will be fantastic! I will beleive it's true when that baby is in my arms.
Thank you all for your e-mail hugs, thoughts, prayers and good karma. Keep it all coming there are 248 days to go!

Feeling a bit better

Wow what an emotional day, and who knows I could be just being emotional for nothing. After all my obsessive behavior I talked to three very wise women. Betty Carol, who quickly gives me ideas on how to ground myself. She always has something so interesting to say. Diana who told me "It's all up to the Universe now" (How profound) and in the end I called the wisest person I know. My grandma, she's amazing - she was very excited but never said it will be ok (which I sometimes tire of hearing because we don't KNOW it will be ok), she said "Becky Ann you know what to do - just get on your knees, and I'll add my prayers too."
So, I am feeling much calmer this evening.
I have no control over what may or may not happen so I guess I just have to throw it out to the Universe and God and hope it all goes our way.
I am proud to announce I did not look up any websites about pregnancy hormones at all tonight. I did homework instead.

A little OCD?

I think I'm being a little obsessive compulsive about these hormone levels, my friend Diana would tell me to "stop it!". Mike is telling me to chill out and there is nothing to worry about. I can't, I'm searching everything on the internet to compare my results to others, most of the time they look low which is really freaking me out! Sometimes they seem completely average.
I have to walk away from the computer - I did this for 4 hours last night. Avoiding my homework and obsessing instead. I wish there was a way to influence the numbers and make them change but there is nothing I can do!
ACK!! It's so very frustrating, wanting the perfect numbers to equal the perfect pregnancy. I took another blood test this morning, praying the whole time that the numbers would double. I don't find out anything until tomorrow at 10am. I will try to get through the night and then I pray for good results tomorrow.

The results are in!!!

...according to the blood test we are officially pregnant!!! YAY!!! My HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) are 45, which isn't hig, but isn't too low. The average woman at 4 weeks pregnant (which is where I am) is at 48 - so we're pretty darn close to average.
What we need is to see them double by Wednesday so we are hoping for numbers somewhere above 90.
PLEASE continue those good thoughts our way for happy growing hormones!
Thank you all for the kind thoughts and well wishes, we are thrilled and keeping our fingers crossed that this one "sticks"!

1/2 the results!

Ok....so I have 1/2 the results. My progesterone levels are 17.1 (they should be somewhere between 9-47 for a viable pregnancy. SO the Dr. was pleased with 17 (sounds a little low to me...always devil's advocate!)
He didn't have the HCG results, so we have to wait for that until tomorrow.
I'll keep ya posted! The good thoughts are working keep them coming!
Becky

Pee on a stick

Well, I know I said I wouldn't say anything but Mike reminded me that we have this blog for the support we need from family and friends. So.....we have a positive pregnancy test! Actually, we don't have just one, we have 11. I couldn't stop taking them - because I just needed to be sure. I tried lots of different brands - every one of them came back positive. Now, we are thrilled about this, but we are also going to be realistic - a positive pregnancy test does not equal a baby - we know that from experience.

This morning I took a blood test to verify the pregnancy and make sure all the hormone levels are moving up as they should. I won't find out the results until tomorrow. PLEASE send your good thoughts, prayers, karma to us at this time that this pregnancy will be viable and have the hormone levels it needs to sustain itself.
I'll let you know tomorrow about the blood test results! ;)

What if?

I am sitting here in my "Alternate Behaviors in Young Children" class (where I should be paying attention to the presentation, but they have free Wi-Fi and I have a laptop). Which is basically a class for Special needs children. All I can think about is, What if I do get pregnant? What if my child has ton's of problems? What if we can't afford the care to handle it? What will I do to take care of them?
Oh my goodness so many "what if" questions! I don't even know if I'm pregnant and these questions flood my mind with worries. Mike and I had talked about life with a Down's child, we know that's a possibility because of our ages, and we think we can handle that. But what about CP or some other awful medical malady that we have no control over.
I guess we just have to take a chance and jump in. Is that what every parent does? Do young parents just assume their child will be fine and have no troubles? I guess it's all up to fate.
Sometimes I take my worries to the worst case scenario so I can work out a plan in my head. 99% of the time those worst case scenarios never happen (except for being able to get pregnant - and we're dealing with that), but just in case it does I like to have at least pondered the idea.
EGADS the responsibility of even just getting pregnant - sheez!

My Hair

My hair is falling out. Not a couple here and there in the shower but a handful each time I brush it. Not normal for me. I could not figure this out so I asked the Doctor.
The Doctor reminded me that during pregnancy most women have a wonderful shiny head of hair (gee doc, thanks for rubbing it in!), but as soon as they deliver they lose large amounts of hair for the next three months.
What happens is during pregnancy your hair goes into a "Resting" phase - more so than normal (since we all lose a few hairs each day). About 1/4 of your hair is resting while you are pregnant - as soon as you deliver all the resting hair falls out and new hair grows. BUT.....if you're taking that pesky "pregnancy" hormone HCG (the injectible one) then your body thinks you're pregnant throwing your hair into that resting phase, but then, if you're not pregnant and start your period two weeks later like I have been doing then your body releases all the resting hair! Let's do this process for a year like I have and no wonder my hair is falling out by the handfuls. Voila! The answer to my shedding.
So, I will either get pregnant and be done with this whole injectible hormone thing OR I will go bald in the process. Fantastic. Mike says he'll still love me, even bald.

Pregnancy Tea

So the pregnancy tea arrived today!! Woo Hoo! The problem is I HATE all hot drinks, but thanks to Kathy who recommended the tea I learned to brew a whole bunch and then ice it. So, I'm drinking my tea! It tastes like a liquid stick of spearment gum. Which isn't so bad, three times a day.
Brewing it was a mess, I used a pitcher Mike and I got for our wedding. I had never used so I thought it would be nice to get it down. It was orange, glass and fancy. The second I poured the hot boiling water I heard a loud CRACK! Yep, the base, in a perfect circle all the way around. The water was slowly leaking out but I knew if I moved it I would have a pitcher full of boiling water all over the kitchen. What else could I do? I was ready with towels but it was still a hot mess. But if it works I do not care! ;)

I hope it creates a warm and nurturing womb and that what ever may be floating around in there can hunker down and stay for about nine months!

Be grateful for what you have

Ok I just need to vent about this. I live in a lovely old little neighborhood and have a very good relationship with the neighbors on one side of me (even though they have yappy chihuahuas that I would just love to give away).

Last night as I was watering the front lawn, the neighbor next door came out to chat, she let me know she was newly pregnant (5th child) and she was SO disappointed it was going to be another girl.

I stood listening nodding my head at her poor unfortunate fate and the whole time I was thinking are you kidding? You're upset because you get pregnant so easily but can't choose the sex of your child?

I hear this lots from parents in my school, friends - how easy it is for them to get pregnant and yet when they find out the sex they are devastated. My neighbor told me she cried for a week because they want a boy so bad.

I understand you want a boy - but for someone like me who would give my right arm for ANYTHING, I find this complaint so ungrateful. I want to shake these women and say, "you got pregnant, your blessed with a healthy pregnancy, a healthy child - WHO CARES THE SEX!!!!!!

It's at this point in the conversation that I usually walk away or I'll say, "well, if you're truly that disappointed (enough to make you cry for a week? really, a week?) I'd be thrilled just to have a child, let me know if you consider adoption. This usually stops their complaining cold.

The waiting begins.....

Ok, it's been 2 days. Of course I know nothing, but this is the time in the proceedure when I start to obsess about every little thing. Am I feeling nauseous? (nope) Is my skin glowing? (nope), but I continue to check.

This is when I am keeping super close track of those tempertures hoping for the highest possible (so far so good) if they stay high we're good to go, when they drop I know things didn't work.

I try to stay busy to keep my mind off things. That isn't hard working and going to school full time. I just really wish someone would invent a pregnancy test that you could take like 2 days after these kids of preceedures and see if it worked, something that would say - yep that sperm found the egg, rather than spend the next two weeks wringing my hands avoiding sushi, caffiene, and microwaves "just in case".

IUI

OK it's done! Now we cross our fingers and wait two weeks for the results. Oh we will NOT be posting our results here until we have made it past that ever tricky first trimester. We can't go through the happiness of telling people we're pregnant only to have to turn around a few weeks later to say we've miscarried. That pain was enough the first time.

So here's our good news from today, Mike had 6 times more sperm than our last attempt! Thank God for OJ!! The Docter was VERY pleased, as were we. The guy who washed the sperm even said "Today is your day!" Which of course gets my hopes up, I'm trying to not get them up, but it's hard not to. It cracks me up that they "Wash" the sperm - don't you envision a little guy back there with a sald spinner plucking out the slow ones? Mike's comments on his paper today about the sperm were "Vigorous and fast moving". I hope so! How can one NOT get pregnant with millions of sperm? I just need one! The Dr. said sometimes the sperm get confused and lost on their way, oh great. I hope Mike's sperm has a better sense of direction than he does.

So now we enter the torturous 2 weeks of waiting. This is the worst part of the whole thing

There has to be a better way...

So...today is the big day which means I had to take the day off work, get up early and "collect" Mike's deposit. There has to be a better way to do that! The whole situation is stressful - get it in the special cup, yet keep the cup upright at all times - How is that possible?
Without going into too much detail let's just say - it isn't romantic, it isn't fun, and it sure is tricky to work that little cup.
Then I have to 1) Keep it at room temperature. 2) Make sure the cup doesn't tip over in the car. 3) Get it to the clinic by 7:30 am - all in the special unmarked brown paper bag. 4) Place in the deposit basket with all the other unmarked bags. I start to freak myself out thinking, "what if they mix up the deposits?"
I'm afraid our deposit isn't enough, or I won't ovulate, and the whole thing will just be a waste.
Ugh these emotions are so back and forth, I try to be happy and think that it will work, but then I sabatoge the whole things with feelings of "maybe.....".
Those maybe's are killing me.