What if?

I am sitting here in my "Alternate Behaviors in Young Children" class (where I should be paying attention to the presentation, but they have free Wi-Fi and I have a laptop). Which is basically a class for Special needs children. All I can think about is, What if I do get pregnant? What if my child has ton's of problems? What if we can't afford the care to handle it? What will I do to take care of them?
Oh my goodness so many "what if" questions! I don't even know if I'm pregnant and these questions flood my mind with worries. Mike and I had talked about life with a Down's child, we know that's a possibility because of our ages, and we think we can handle that. But what about CP or some other awful medical malady that we have no control over.
I guess we just have to take a chance and jump in. Is that what every parent does? Do young parents just assume their child will be fine and have no troubles? I guess it's all up to fate.
Sometimes I take my worries to the worst case scenario so I can work out a plan in my head. 99% of the time those worst case scenarios never happen (except for being able to get pregnant - and we're dealing with that), but just in case it does I like to have at least pondered the idea.
EGADS the responsibility of even just getting pregnant - sheez!

My Hair

My hair is falling out. Not a couple here and there in the shower but a handful each time I brush it. Not normal for me. I could not figure this out so I asked the Doctor.
The Doctor reminded me that during pregnancy most women have a wonderful shiny head of hair (gee doc, thanks for rubbing it in!), but as soon as they deliver they lose large amounts of hair for the next three months.
What happens is during pregnancy your hair goes into a "Resting" phase - more so than normal (since we all lose a few hairs each day). About 1/4 of your hair is resting while you are pregnant - as soon as you deliver all the resting hair falls out and new hair grows. BUT.....if you're taking that pesky "pregnancy" hormone HCG (the injectible one) then your body thinks you're pregnant throwing your hair into that resting phase, but then, if you're not pregnant and start your period two weeks later like I have been doing then your body releases all the resting hair! Let's do this process for a year like I have and no wonder my hair is falling out by the handfuls. Voila! The answer to my shedding.
So, I will either get pregnant and be done with this whole injectible hormone thing OR I will go bald in the process. Fantastic. Mike says he'll still love me, even bald.

Pregnancy Tea

So the pregnancy tea arrived today!! Woo Hoo! The problem is I HATE all hot drinks, but thanks to Kathy who recommended the tea I learned to brew a whole bunch and then ice it. So, I'm drinking my tea! It tastes like a liquid stick of spearment gum. Which isn't so bad, three times a day.
Brewing it was a mess, I used a pitcher Mike and I got for our wedding. I had never used so I thought it would be nice to get it down. It was orange, glass and fancy. The second I poured the hot boiling water I heard a loud CRACK! Yep, the base, in a perfect circle all the way around. The water was slowly leaking out but I knew if I moved it I would have a pitcher full of boiling water all over the kitchen. What else could I do? I was ready with towels but it was still a hot mess. But if it works I do not care! ;)

I hope it creates a warm and nurturing womb and that what ever may be floating around in there can hunker down and stay for about nine months!

Be grateful for what you have

Ok I just need to vent about this. I live in a lovely old little neighborhood and have a very good relationship with the neighbors on one side of me (even though they have yappy chihuahuas that I would just love to give away).

Last night as I was watering the front lawn, the neighbor next door came out to chat, she let me know she was newly pregnant (5th child) and she was SO disappointed it was going to be another girl.

I stood listening nodding my head at her poor unfortunate fate and the whole time I was thinking are you kidding? You're upset because you get pregnant so easily but can't choose the sex of your child?

I hear this lots from parents in my school, friends - how easy it is for them to get pregnant and yet when they find out the sex they are devastated. My neighbor told me she cried for a week because they want a boy so bad.

I understand you want a boy - but for someone like me who would give my right arm for ANYTHING, I find this complaint so ungrateful. I want to shake these women and say, "you got pregnant, your blessed with a healthy pregnancy, a healthy child - WHO CARES THE SEX!!!!!!

It's at this point in the conversation that I usually walk away or I'll say, "well, if you're truly that disappointed (enough to make you cry for a week? really, a week?) I'd be thrilled just to have a child, let me know if you consider adoption. This usually stops their complaining cold.

The waiting begins.....

Ok, it's been 2 days. Of course I know nothing, but this is the time in the proceedure when I start to obsess about every little thing. Am I feeling nauseous? (nope) Is my skin glowing? (nope), but I continue to check.

This is when I am keeping super close track of those tempertures hoping for the highest possible (so far so good) if they stay high we're good to go, when they drop I know things didn't work.

I try to stay busy to keep my mind off things. That isn't hard working and going to school full time. I just really wish someone would invent a pregnancy test that you could take like 2 days after these kids of preceedures and see if it worked, something that would say - yep that sperm found the egg, rather than spend the next two weeks wringing my hands avoiding sushi, caffiene, and microwaves "just in case".

IUI

OK it's done! Now we cross our fingers and wait two weeks for the results. Oh we will NOT be posting our results here until we have made it past that ever tricky first trimester. We can't go through the happiness of telling people we're pregnant only to have to turn around a few weeks later to say we've miscarried. That pain was enough the first time.

So here's our good news from today, Mike had 6 times more sperm than our last attempt! Thank God for OJ!! The Docter was VERY pleased, as were we. The guy who washed the sperm even said "Today is your day!" Which of course gets my hopes up, I'm trying to not get them up, but it's hard not to. It cracks me up that they "Wash" the sperm - don't you envision a little guy back there with a sald spinner plucking out the slow ones? Mike's comments on his paper today about the sperm were "Vigorous and fast moving". I hope so! How can one NOT get pregnant with millions of sperm? I just need one! The Dr. said sometimes the sperm get confused and lost on their way, oh great. I hope Mike's sperm has a better sense of direction than he does.

So now we enter the torturous 2 weeks of waiting. This is the worst part of the whole thing

There has to be a better way...

So...today is the big day which means I had to take the day off work, get up early and "collect" Mike's deposit. There has to be a better way to do that! The whole situation is stressful - get it in the special cup, yet keep the cup upright at all times - How is that possible?
Without going into too much detail let's just say - it isn't romantic, it isn't fun, and it sure is tricky to work that little cup.
Then I have to 1) Keep it at room temperature. 2) Make sure the cup doesn't tip over in the car. 3) Get it to the clinic by 7:30 am - all in the special unmarked brown paper bag. 4) Place in the deposit basket with all the other unmarked bags. I start to freak myself out thinking, "what if they mix up the deposits?"
I'm afraid our deposit isn't enough, or I won't ovulate, and the whole thing will just be a waste.
Ugh these emotions are so back and forth, I try to be happy and think that it will work, but then I sabatoge the whole things with feelings of "maybe.....".
Those maybe's are killing me.