This whole parenthood thing has really thrown me for a loop some days! Here's a list of some of the things I wish I'd known (or thought about) going into this whole thing. I'm not complaining at all - we worked for YEARS to get this baby so I am no way going to complain...just a few observations.
1-Baby's have LOTS of stuff! Who knew that three week in my living room would have 3 pieces of adult furniture and 5 pieces for one little infant!
2- Along with the stuff goes carrying a diaper bag. I didn't think to "re-pack" it yesterday as we headed to the Dr. (I don't re-pack my purse every time I leave the house) but my mother loudly reminded me that I have to replenish it each time I come home.....never even crossed my mind, DUH!
3-I spend the day with my boobs attached to a pump. And when I'm not attached to a pump I am feeding my child with the product of the pump! And....I'm still waiting for the big boobs - I just must not be meant for them, they have milk, they produce well - they are still itty bitty - WHY?
4-My idea if a blissful maternity leave went out the window about my third day home when I realized that I can and can not do things depending on the sleep schedule of this baby.
5-My husband surprises me at how well he has stepped up - when I call him - yes I call him, on the phone at 3:00am since I'm in the living room and he's in the bedroom - he never minds he jumps right up to get a bottle or help me out. I didn't expect that - and it is a lovely pleasant surprise.
6- I miss the daily schedule of working, getting up at the same time doing the same things each day - I find this maternity leave so unpredictable - and I'm working on my flexibility!
7-I can't believe disability has taken SO long to kick in, I eventually have to pay the rent and it makes me angry that while I got the paperwork in well in advance they still haven't done their part.
8-There is only CRAP on TV in the middle of the day
9-I can't put my child down - he's too beautiful and I just want to hold him. Besides it's easier to check if he's sleeping when he's laying on me- and I just can't see him in the crib. I have become the parent that over indulges her child. My friend Christine once told me that "what works at school doesn't count at home" and then as her child was doing something she didn't like she looked at me and said "see....do NOT judge me". I completely understand that right now. I can tell discipline might be much harder than I anticipate because he's so dang cute!
10-It didn't occur to me that what I ate would affect him, I was eating bean burritos everyday for lunch.....guess what, he had horrible gas and I couldn't figure out why - oh, wait.....what I ate!! Dang - I love bean burritos!
11-I was a person who could not sleep with lights on. Last night I slept with the light on right next to me head - and it didn't bother me at all.
Each day with this child is a blessing, and a learning experience! I'm now trying to figure out how to get out the door early tomorrow morning, we haven't done that before and I fear my own meltdown coming on since I'm someone who can't stand to be late.
OK - I have to go - the boobies are calling.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Baby Blues
This beautiful child is my new favorite thing! I am in love with this little man.
The days aren't easy - I cry quickly at everything, and worry about anything. Is he breathing? Is he cold / hot? Is he getting sick?
These must be the baby blues, hopefully they will go away soon. They aren't so much fun and they make me stress out about everything. My mother takes it all in stride as I cry some mornings, and others I'm perfectly fine! Amazing to me and I don't want to cry I don't, but I can't help it. I thought it would be EASY to not cry. I have a healthy child, I've lost 40 pounds in 2 weeks and everything seems to be falling into place. However, my health is not perfect, my money still hasn't shown up, school is about to start again, and sometimes this baby just cries (which breaks my heart) and I don't know what he wants or how to help him and it's just easier to cry along with him!
All part of the whole pregnant experience I guess. Now, if my disability would just kick in before all the food in the house runs out we'll be OK!
Blogger still won't allow me to upload pictures - I don't know what that's about. Sorry!
The days aren't easy - I cry quickly at everything, and worry about anything. Is he breathing? Is he cold / hot? Is he getting sick?
These must be the baby blues, hopefully they will go away soon. They aren't so much fun and they make me stress out about everything. My mother takes it all in stride as I cry some mornings, and others I'm perfectly fine! Amazing to me and I don't want to cry I don't, but I can't help it. I thought it would be EASY to not cry. I have a healthy child, I've lost 40 pounds in 2 weeks and everything seems to be falling into place. However, my health is not perfect, my money still hasn't shown up, school is about to start again, and sometimes this baby just cries (which breaks my heart) and I don't know what he wants or how to help him and it's just easier to cry along with him!
All part of the whole pregnant experience I guess. Now, if my disability would just kick in before all the food in the house runs out we'll be OK!
Blogger still won't allow me to upload pictures - I don't know what that's about. Sorry!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Breastfeeding
It's so not as easy as everyone makes it look! The women who whip out a boob and their baby magically latches on have got to be rubbing something on those nipples because it just doesn't work that way!
In the hospital the lactation consultant actually got upset at Erik because he wouldn't open his mouth wide enough, I finally convinced her he must be sleepy to get her to leave and she never came back.
It's been a struggle to put it mildly. He latches on OK but after about 3 sucks he's over it. He has to work a bit harder for this milk and since he was exposed to bottles and formula in the NICU he doesn't want to work for the mommy juice. I pump and pump and he does GREAT taking the breast milk from the bottle - but getting it actually from my breasts is a whole other story.
I spend the day either feeding the baby, pumping for the baby, or changing the baby - the rest of anything else in life is a blur, but that's OK. I worked for years for the baby and everything else can just take a backseat right now - he is the most important thing and he can have every minute of my attention if that's what he needs. He is beautiful.
In the hospital the lactation consultant actually got upset at Erik because he wouldn't open his mouth wide enough, I finally convinced her he must be sleepy to get her to leave and she never came back.
It's been a struggle to put it mildly. He latches on OK but after about 3 sucks he's over it. He has to work a bit harder for this milk and since he was exposed to bottles and formula in the NICU he doesn't want to work for the mommy juice. I pump and pump and he does GREAT taking the breast milk from the bottle - but getting it actually from my breasts is a whole other story.
I spend the day either feeding the baby, pumping for the baby, or changing the baby - the rest of anything else in life is a blur, but that's OK. I worked for years for the baby and everything else can just take a backseat right now - he is the most important thing and he can have every minute of my attention if that's what he needs. He is beautiful.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The Labor Story
I know it has taken me a while to post, but it has definitely been a busy week. It's been one week today since Erik joined our lives and we feel completely blessed!
Last Thursday we went in the morning to the Dr. because I wasn't feeling him move very much and I wanted to make sure everything was OK. It was all OK but the Dr's noticed that at that time he happened to be head down, and in order to avoid a "C" section they decided to induce me right then so we could have a vaginal birth (that didn't work out so well).
Off we went to labor and delivery where we were immediately admitted and a Pitocin drip was started. It was easy - well that was about 3:00pm - It was easy until that medicine really kicked in, about 11:30pm and then I was not happy. Friends had gone home and at this hour it was just Mike and I, he decided to pull out the little Daddy bed chair thing and go to sleep. If I could have reached things to throw at him every time I had a contraction I would have - the contractions were bad when they were happening, but in between I was fine so then I wanted him to be able to rest but at the same time I wanted to hurt his hand every time a contraction hit - instead I just tried to breath through them.
At 1:00am I asked for the epidural. It was lovely - and numbing and made me feel very very drunk all at the same time. I think I was even slurring my words - everything was fuzzy. I remember asking Mike to call my friend Diana and have her run and get my Mom and come over. And the next thing I remember is many many people in the room (like 12!) screaming numbers out....60...50...40, this was the baby's heart beat and I guess he wasn't tolerating the contractions. I couldn't even feel anything anymore and was very confused about what was going on. I remember someone saying "get her to the OR we're losing him" and I began to freak out in my brain - but I was so woozy I couldn't really respond. I remember them wheeling me away and looking for Mike who looked as stunned as I felt.
We got into the OR and suddenly the heart rates were back up and the baby was fine so off we went BACK to the delivery room to avoid the C section. I know that as they were wheeling me to the OR they were filling me with numbing medication so I could understand and speak but really not move anything else. I wondered as they wheeled me back to my room, how the hell am I going to push this baby out if I can't feel anything? As soon as we got back to the room his heartbeat was gone again and we went racing back to the OR where they immediately began cutting, there was no waiting for Mike, no one to talk me through it, no one I knew and medical people yelling about heartbeats and blood pressure and asking me questions about what I could feel.
I couldn't see anything because of the big blue sheet in my way and all I could think of was if my baby was going to be OK. I didn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything and where was Mike?? Finally I heard someone say - "Oh my, he's really big". But that's it - they didn't say if he was alive, there was no crying and no one was telling me anything!
At this point they let Mike in the room and then Erik started to cry. It was so good to hear that cry! Mike kept telling me he was fine but I wasn't convinced. I didn't get to see him, they whisked him by me really quickly, I didn't get to hold him, or look at his face.
They said they were taking him to the NICU because they had to make sure he was OK. I didn't even get to kiss him or anything. It was definitely not the birth I had envisioned.
I wasn't prepared for the pain after the C section, I remember the nurses making me get up and it hurt so bad that I just started to cry (which only made things hurt more). I know the nurses had a job to do but they seemed so cold about the whole thing and I felt like I was being a baby for having the pain. I kept asking for my baby and one nurse told me "when you can walk to the NICU you can see your baby"....The NICU? Seriously? I can barely hang my feet over the bed and you want me to WALK to the NICU? It was like they were holding my baby hostage until I could get there to see him. I couldn't do it - I couldn't move, I couldn't sleep, the pain was not what I expected at all. It still isn't, as I sit here on day 7 still needing support to help me get dressed. I can't believe that in all the women I've known over the years NO ONE said a word about how painful this was!!
After calling the NICU many times and begging to see my child they FINALLY brought him to see me. Of course when they brought him to see me someone was trying to give me an IV (seriously I can't be the ONLY fat girl in the world to need an IV, isn't there a class on how to find veins on the fluffy people so you don't have to stick them EIGHT times, before calling others in to help?), which made it impossible to hold him, but at least I could see him.
Mom held him while I got my IV and then handed him to me - I was overwhelmed with how beautiful he was, while trying to ignore the German Nurse Petra who kept saying , "I will be back in 30 minutes for him, 30 minutes!!" Like I was going to scamper away somewhere - I could barely move. Those 30 minutes were joyous to be able to cuddle my baby after so much waiting!
We were discharged on Sunday and Monday morning I was back in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs. Like I said, it's been a week!! I was having trouble breathing so back we went and found out I have blood clots. All I could think of was all the medical shows I've watched and the people always die from pulmonary embolisms! My thoughts were honestly...SHIT! I had to spend the day on a gurney in the ER while they "observed" me for 12 hours. It was very lonely, and a woman who has just delivered a baby, left alone for 12 hours with her thoughts, can really come up with some awful things!! I now have to give myself a shot in the stomach of blood thinners each morning and each evening as well as take a pill each night. I then have to have a blood test every other day for the next 3-6 months to evaluate how my blood is clotting. UGH.
This morning was the day I lost it, I started thinking this morning about my life and how temporary it is. All I could think about was these blood clots in my lung and how they could break away at any moment and go to my heart and kill me and then I wouldn't have the opportunity to raise this gorgeous baby. I find it a very cruel trick of god, nature, whatever to give me so many years of infertility, then a gorgeous baby only to yank it out from under me with a clot? It's been a rough day - I'm sure this is in part to the baby blues, hormones whatever - it's just been hard to think about how quickly things can change in a split second.
I was crying when Mike left this morning (poor guy - he didn't know how to help), I cried changing the baby's diaper because he was crying, then my Dad called and I started crying again - but he did make me feel better after talking to him about the blood clots.
Life is beautiful when I'm holding that baby, and scary and fleeting when I'm giving myself shots. It's all too much - I'm trying to take it all in, without letting it overwhelm me. I'm going to pray that these clots go away and I will be with my boys for a very long time. Life just throws us all kinds of curves doesn't it? I'll have to post pictures later for some reason blogger is not allowing me to do that right now....but I know many of you were waiting for the Labor story so I'm posting anyway.
Last Thursday we went in the morning to the Dr. because I wasn't feeling him move very much and I wanted to make sure everything was OK. It was all OK but the Dr's noticed that at that time he happened to be head down, and in order to avoid a "C" section they decided to induce me right then so we could have a vaginal birth (that didn't work out so well).
Off we went to labor and delivery where we were immediately admitted and a Pitocin drip was started. It was easy - well that was about 3:00pm - It was easy until that medicine really kicked in, about 11:30pm and then I was not happy. Friends had gone home and at this hour it was just Mike and I, he decided to pull out the little Daddy bed chair thing and go to sleep. If I could have reached things to throw at him every time I had a contraction I would have - the contractions were bad when they were happening, but in between I was fine so then I wanted him to be able to rest but at the same time I wanted to hurt his hand every time a contraction hit - instead I just tried to breath through them.
At 1:00am I asked for the epidural. It was lovely - and numbing and made me feel very very drunk all at the same time. I think I was even slurring my words - everything was fuzzy. I remember asking Mike to call my friend Diana and have her run and get my Mom and come over. And the next thing I remember is many many people in the room (like 12!) screaming numbers out....60...50...40, this was the baby's heart beat and I guess he wasn't tolerating the contractions. I couldn't even feel anything anymore and was very confused about what was going on. I remember someone saying "get her to the OR we're losing him" and I began to freak out in my brain - but I was so woozy I couldn't really respond. I remember them wheeling me away and looking for Mike who looked as stunned as I felt.
We got into the OR and suddenly the heart rates were back up and the baby was fine so off we went BACK to the delivery room to avoid the C section. I know that as they were wheeling me to the OR they were filling me with numbing medication so I could understand and speak but really not move anything else. I wondered as they wheeled me back to my room, how the hell am I going to push this baby out if I can't feel anything? As soon as we got back to the room his heartbeat was gone again and we went racing back to the OR where they immediately began cutting, there was no waiting for Mike, no one to talk me through it, no one I knew and medical people yelling about heartbeats and blood pressure and asking me questions about what I could feel.
I couldn't see anything because of the big blue sheet in my way and all I could think of was if my baby was going to be OK. I didn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything and where was Mike?? Finally I heard someone say - "Oh my, he's really big". But that's it - they didn't say if he was alive, there was no crying and no one was telling me anything!
At this point they let Mike in the room and then Erik started to cry. It was so good to hear that cry! Mike kept telling me he was fine but I wasn't convinced. I didn't get to see him, they whisked him by me really quickly, I didn't get to hold him, or look at his face.
They said they were taking him to the NICU because they had to make sure he was OK. I didn't even get to kiss him or anything. It was definitely not the birth I had envisioned.
I wasn't prepared for the pain after the C section, I remember the nurses making me get up and it hurt so bad that I just started to cry (which only made things hurt more). I know the nurses had a job to do but they seemed so cold about the whole thing and I felt like I was being a baby for having the pain. I kept asking for my baby and one nurse told me "when you can walk to the NICU you can see your baby"....The NICU? Seriously? I can barely hang my feet over the bed and you want me to WALK to the NICU? It was like they were holding my baby hostage until I could get there to see him. I couldn't do it - I couldn't move, I couldn't sleep, the pain was not what I expected at all. It still isn't, as I sit here on day 7 still needing support to help me get dressed. I can't believe that in all the women I've known over the years NO ONE said a word about how painful this was!!
After calling the NICU many times and begging to see my child they FINALLY brought him to see me. Of course when they brought him to see me someone was trying to give me an IV (seriously I can't be the ONLY fat girl in the world to need an IV, isn't there a class on how to find veins on the fluffy people so you don't have to stick them EIGHT times, before calling others in to help?), which made it impossible to hold him, but at least I could see him.
Mom held him while I got my IV and then handed him to me - I was overwhelmed with how beautiful he was, while trying to ignore the German Nurse Petra who kept saying , "I will be back in 30 minutes for him, 30 minutes!!" Like I was going to scamper away somewhere - I could barely move. Those 30 minutes were joyous to be able to cuddle my baby after so much waiting!
We were discharged on Sunday and Monday morning I was back in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs. Like I said, it's been a week!! I was having trouble breathing so back we went and found out I have blood clots. All I could think of was all the medical shows I've watched and the people always die from pulmonary embolisms! My thoughts were honestly...SHIT! I had to spend the day on a gurney in the ER while they "observed" me for 12 hours. It was very lonely, and a woman who has just delivered a baby, left alone for 12 hours with her thoughts, can really come up with some awful things!! I now have to give myself a shot in the stomach of blood thinners each morning and each evening as well as take a pill each night. I then have to have a blood test every other day for the next 3-6 months to evaluate how my blood is clotting. UGH.
This morning was the day I lost it, I started thinking this morning about my life and how temporary it is. All I could think about was these blood clots in my lung and how they could break away at any moment and go to my heart and kill me and then I wouldn't have the opportunity to raise this gorgeous baby. I find it a very cruel trick of god, nature, whatever to give me so many years of infertility, then a gorgeous baby only to yank it out from under me with a clot? It's been a rough day - I'm sure this is in part to the baby blues, hormones whatever - it's just been hard to think about how quickly things can change in a split second.
I was crying when Mike left this morning (poor guy - he didn't know how to help), I cried changing the baby's diaper because he was crying, then my Dad called and I started crying again - but he did make me feel better after talking to him about the blood clots.
Life is beautiful when I'm holding that baby, and scary and fleeting when I'm giving myself shots. It's all too much - I'm trying to take it all in, without letting it overwhelm me. I'm going to pray that these clots go away and I will be with my boys for a very long time. Life just throws us all kinds of curves doesn't it? I'll have to post pictures later for some reason blogger is not allowing me to do that right now....but I know many of you were waiting for the Labor story so I'm posting anyway.
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